


Cratered by Imperfections

by aschicca



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, James Potter is a Good Friend, Lily Evans is awesome, M/M, MMWP Era, Marauders' Era, Mention of abuse, Pining, Slow Burn, The Prank, but really there's a lot of angst, like a whole lot, mention of suicidal thoughts (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-12-07 12:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18235034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aschicca/pseuds/aschicca
Summary: Remus’s world was now crumbling before his eyes and Sirius, his friend, his confidant, the one Remus thought would always have his back, and for whom he’d started developing feelings stronger than friendship, was responsible for that. Sirius had betrayed him.The aftermath of The Prank, the fallout, the consequences... and how things got better.





	1. Remus - The Astronomy Tower

**Author's Note:**

> First off, this is my first time writing something in this fandom, with these characters - or with any other characters than Queer as Folk US' Brian and Justin - so please try to be gentle. 
> 
> This story starts at the end of the Marauders' Fifth Year at Hogwarts, follows them during Summer holidays, then at the start of Sixth Year. I've tried to keep things as close to canon as possible, using JKR's timeline as much as I was able to. I might have tweaked a few things to suit my purposes with the story but hopefully they won't be too disruptive. 
> 
> The work is complete, and I will update twice a week. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to my darling friend Piksa for reading this over and playing Beta for me. Any remaining mistake is mine.
> 
> Obviously, I don't own anything (not even a car...) and I'm just playing with someone else's toys. Don't sue.

***

_“The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. Uncertain. Alone. **Cratered by imperfections**.”  
_

_Tahereh Mafi – Shatter Me_

***

It was a lovely day in Hogwarts; the sun was shining, O.W.L.s were over, and all that was left for the students to worry about were the plans for the Summer holidays. The sound of laughter rang free on the grounds, and the excitement and relief of another school year coming to an end pervaded the air. Standing at the top of the Astronomy Tower, Remus Lupin felt alone in his despair and wished, not for the first time in his young life, that he could for once be as normal as everyone else.

Remus was cursed, his own core forever changed one night when he was barely five years old. His nature, his whole being, set him apart from everyone else, and more than 10 years of having his body torn apart by the wolf made sure that his appearance would also forever bare the distance between Remus and ‘normal’. He knew that, he’d heard his parents say that to him, kindly but firmly, for almost his whole life, and he’d long since resigned himself to a solitary life. Coming to Hogwarts had changed that, and Remus found himself with not just one but three wonderful friends who accepted him, cared for him, made him one of their own. 

Remus had stupidly relaxed into it, he had believed, and now everything had come to an end. Ever since the day he’d entered a compartment on the Hogwarts Express where two boys were laughing about something or someone by the name of ‘Snivellus’, and sat down with them, Remus’s life had taken a turn he’d never would have known how to hope for. Being sorted into Gryffindor, in the same dormitory as the two boys he’d tentatively fraternized with on the train, and later befriending the third occupant of the room too, had been a strike of luck the likes of which Remus had not known could happen to a person, let alone someone like himself.

If anything though, all of this had strengthened his determination to keep his secret hidden because now Remus had even more to lose by his lycanthropy being discovered. Unfortunately, his feeble excuses and his avoidance could only help Remus so far when two out of three of his newly-found best friends had been the brightest in the entire school. It was obviously just a matter of time before they’d figure out what exactly happened when Remus disappeared once a month only to come back looking like he’d been mauled.

Although, when what Remus had been dreading actually happened, things for the very first time in Remus’s life had not changed for the worse, but for the better. For the very best, actually.

Through the sheen of unshed tears, Remus looked down to the grounds of his beloved school from the Tower, and let his mind wander back to that time when Sirius, James, and Peter sat him down on one of the beds in the dormitory and told him what they knew.

*  
Second year had only just begun and Remus and the Marauders, as the band of merry troublemakers had decided to name themselves, had just come back from dinner. Remus, his mind full of notions for the half-finished Charms essay he had been planning to devote his evening to, at first hadn’t realised what James had said. 

“Remus? Mate?” James called again, and this time Remus looked at him with a puzzled expression.

“Huh?”

“Would you sit down here for a second, please? We… Sirius and I… and Peter, too, of course.. We wanted to… look, just get here okay?” James pointed at his own bed, and the nervous expression he was wearing concerned Remus to the point of him not even thinking about asking why he couldn’t hear what his friends had to tell him standing where he was.

Remus sat down, James immediately sitting close to him while Peter stood by the bedpost, and Sirius… well, Sirius knelt in front of Remus surprising him.  


“What’s the matter?” Remus asked, looking at Sirius who just shrugged.

“It’s just,” James replied instead, “Just that we wanted to tell you that… we… ah, hell I’ll just come out and say it, okay? We know you’re a werewolf, Remus.”

Immensely grateful for his current sitting position, Remus felt his whole body freeze and his heart stop beating for an eternity that was, thankfully, just a fraction of a second. He thought about denying it, about crying and begging, about running away and refusing to face the consequences of this discovery. Before he could utter a single world, though, James’s voice penetrated the fog that had been clouding Remus’s mind, and he caught the last of his words.

“…not a problem! We swear! Remus, would you just breathe please you’re freaking me out!”

Sucking in a deep breath, Remus realised just how much he’d needed it and that the fresh air in his lungs had cleared up his mind too.

“What? James, what did you… what are you saying?”

“Oh for the love of…” James started, but Sirius interrupted him.

“Remus? Would you please look at me?” Sirius asked, and Remus couldn’t deny him. He looked into the handsome face of his friend and found only kindness. “I’m not going to say it doesn’t matter, of course it does! I can’t even imagine how… no, okay that’s not… let’s not go there. I just want you… _We_ just want you to understand that it doesn’t change anything. You’re still you! With your chocolate, and your books, and…” Sirius stopped and looked at James who immediately picked up the heartfelt speech for him, the two of them sharing a connection that couldn’t be explained yet had been plain as day since the first time Sirius and James met.

“…and your brilliant prank ideas, and all the notes you always write down during class because Sirius and I can’t be bothered! Remus, you’re still you! Great in DA, amazing at Charms…”

“… and completely pants at Potions,” was Peter’s contribution to the conversation, and Remus glanced up at him with a smile.

“So you see,” Sirius said then, and with a note of finality, “You don’t have to make up excuses anymore. You can just tell us what’s what, and we’ll do what we can to help. We _want_ to do what we can to help, okay?”

James and Peter nodded at that, and Remus gave his friends a tremulous smile, unable to fully believe what he was hearing. His fear vanished when he found himself flat on his back on James’s bed, being smothered by all three of his friends, and in that moment Remus had finally believed.

*  
Remus wasn’t laughing now, he hadn’t laughed since The Incident, as he had named in his mind what Sirius of all people had done. For years, only his friends had known about his secret, and they had even found a way, a true, impossible, illegal, amazing way to help him during the Full Moon. 

The Marauders hadn’t actually been the only ones to know, but they’d been the ones that mattered the most. Someone else knew, and that someone was of course Lily Evans. Remus could still remember what had happened when she found out, what she said, how much her reaction struck him, but not for the reasons he’d always feared it would.

*  
One afternoon in fourth year, the day after the full moon, Remus finally convinced Madam Pomfrey to release him from the infirmary and stumbled into the common room in Gryffindor Tower, alone since Madam Pomfrey hadn’t allowed his friends to come visit him and to stay with him. All of Remus’s classmates were supposed to be at lunch, no one should have been in the common room, but Lily was there. Remus couldn’t remember why she had been there that day, those details were vague and hadn’t been imprinted into his memory as vividly as what came after had.

“Are you okay?” Lily asked, concern plain in her voice.

Remus, throat still sore and not trusting his scratchy voice, just nodded. He tried to escape to the quiet of his dormitory before Lily had time to enquire more, but his legs failed him and he would have fallen had Lily not reacted promptly and supported him.

“Remus, what in the hell? What happened?” She asked, but Remus just shook his head and Lily obviously decided that his need to lie down was greater than her own need to get answers. She helped him up the stairs, into the dormitory, and onto his bed where Remus finally lay, tears in his eyes from exertion, bones aching, and terror in his heart.

“Do you have anything you can take? You know, for the pain and the soreness?” Lily asked softly, and Remus despite wanting nothing more than to be left alone and avoid any unwanted questions, couldn’t bring himself to be unkind in the face of Lily’s own kindness and concern.

“Just…” Remus cleared his throat wincing at the pain but wanting to try and talk as normally as possible. “I have a potion, but my next dose isn’t for a few hours yet. Thank you, Lily, I think I just need sleep now.” 

Remus chanced a look at Lily’s face and it was then that he’d seen it, that he’d understood. The truth was plain on her face: she knew. Remus was well aware that Lily had suspected before, she had noticed the new scars and she’d been less and less willing to accept Remus’s mother’s sickness as an excuse for his disappearances. Seeing him now, when Remus was so fresh after his monthly ordeal, probably lit the proverbial light bulb in her brain, put all her suspicions into perspective and so, now, she knew.

“You know,” Remus whispered, surprising himself first and foremost.

“Remus.” Lily said, but refused to say more until he’d found the strength to look at her again. “I don’t know anything you don’t want me to know.” 

A startled, painful sounding laugh escaped Remus’s mouth. “When does what I want or don’t want ever matter, Lily? When do I ever get a say?”

“Okay then,” Lily replied. “I don’t know anything you didn’t tell me yourself. And it doesn’t matter if you never tell me, it’s not important that I know. You’re my friend, Remus, and the only thing I need to know is that you’re okay.”

Remus would deny it if anyone ever asked, but he had cried at Lily’s words. He hadn’t really thought Lily would hate him for being a werewolf, but he’d thought she might fear him, shun him, not want to be his friend anymore. Hearing her quiet acceptance of his condition, and knowing that the way she’d always felt about him hadn’t changed, had been too much on Remus’s already frayed nerves. He cried, into his pillow for a moment, and then on Lily’s shoulder. She held him for a long while, until he calmed down and started to drift off.

Once he was again settled on his bed, Remus watched with heavy eyes as Lily made her way to the door.

“Thank you,” Remus told her, right before she opened the door. Lily turned, smiled at him, and winked.

Before stepping out of the dormitory, Lily threw another look at Remus and joked, “Keep Potter away from me for a week, Lupin, and we’ll be square!”

Remus’s laugh had followed him into his dreams. 

*  
And that had been how Lily Evans, kind hearted and warm, became the fourth Hogwarts alumni to learn Remus’s secret.

The fifth was a mistake, a betrayal, a mark forever imprinted in Remus’s heart. The fifth was never supposed to know, and his knowing was the very reason why Remus’s world was now crumbling before his eyes. And Sirius, his friend, his confidant, the one Remus thought would always have his back, and for whom he’d started developing feelings stronger than friendship, was responsible for that. Sirius had betrayed him.


	2. Sirius - The Room of Requirement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was tweaking with the formatting here a bit and I decided to just go ahead and post this chapter now. Not to worry, though, you'll still get a new chapter tomorrow. Enjoy!

While Remus lost himself in his memories and his pain in the Astronomy Tower, Sirius Black was hiding inside the Room of Requirement. The Room looked suspiciously like the sitting room at Sirius’s uncle Alphard’s flat, but that wasn’t exactly surprising seeing as Sirius had been wishing for a place to hide in, a place that could keep him from doing any more harm, and he’d frequently used his uncle’s place in the past as a shelter. 

It hadn’t escaped Sirius’s notice that anything that could qualify as comfort was absent from the room: there was no fireplace, no sofa, no carpet or pillows. The room was bare, save for a single, thorn and uncomfortable looking, armchair. Something else the Room had done at Sirius’s request: he had been seeking concealment, not comfort. He didn’t deserve comfort. Sirius didn’t deserve anything at all anymore.

There had been nothing he could say to James when his best friend, his brother, had looked at him with pain and anger in his eyes and asked how Sirius could have been so stupid.

“What in the bloody hell were you thinking? How could you do something like that to Moony? Have you any idea what could have happened if I hadn’t arrived in time to stop Snape? Snape! You sent _Snape_ of all people to find out about Remus! Do you know what he can do with that knowledge now? If Dumbledore hadn’t…”

James had shouted at Sirius for a long time and Sirius could still hear every word, and feel each one hit home and bruise like no fist ever could. He hadn’t been able to answer, he hadn’t defended himself, he’d just stood there and listened because James had every right to berate him, every right to want to hurt him, and Sirius knew that with one single, impulsive, thoughtless decision, he’d lost everything, and James and Remus ( _oh God, Moony…_ ) hated him now. 

His friends’ hate may be new to him but Sirius’s own wasn’t; if he had to be honest Sirius would have to admit he’d always hated himself. He had never been good enough: not for his mother, first because he’d refused to conform to her rules, and later on, after the Sorting, when she had labelled him a blood-traitor; not for his father, who had never been able to look at Sirius with anything other than contempt; not for his brother, who had been close to him for a few precious years, but now hated Sirius almost as much as his parents did; not for James, the brother of his heart, who had taken Sirius into his life and held onto him with a fierceness that Sirius had never encountered before… and had now seen just how wrong he’d been. 

Of course, Sirius could never have hoped to be enough for Remus, kind, strong, beautiful, brave Remus who went through the worst ordeal imaginable every month, and still found a smile for Sirius the morning after.

*

Sirius was going crazy. First Madam Pomfrey intercepted them and didn’t allow them into the hospital wing, and then McGonagall made it her life mission to always be in Sirius’s face whenever he attempted to skip a class and go see Remus. Didn’t these women understand that he was worried about Moony? Sirius couldn’t believe Minnie would treat him so poorly… he might have to rethink their undying love.

James was also impatient to see their friend, but at least he could make cow eyes at Evans and distract himself. Sirius didn’t have that luxury, he just wanted Remus. It was almost the end of their fourth year of school, and Sirius had long since abandoned any pretence and admitted to himself that what he felt for Moony was not as simple as friendship. Of course, no one else knew, he’d kept it to himself and he didn’t think he’d want to change that very soon, and that was why presently Sirius couldn’t let the extent of his frustration at being kept away from Remus fully show.

Deciding to skip lunch, and dodging questions about it from both Peter and James, Sirius dashed in their shared dormitory with the sole purpose of stealing James’s Invisibility Cloak and try to get into the infirmary again. He was not expecting to see Remus asleep on his own bed, and the sight stopped Sirius dead in his tracks.

If Remus had been discharged so quickly, Sirius reflected, then he couldn’t be too hurt and that was a relief but looking at his friend’s worn out face, his forehead creased in discomfort even in his sleep, was still like a vice around Sirius’s heart.

Hesitant to wake him up but unable to leave Remus alone, Sirius hovered a bit, uncertain, but before he could decide if he wanted to sit down or just stand there like a moron forever, Remus’s eyes opened.

“Sirius…” Remus said and he smiled, making Sirius’s knees weak.

“Hi,” Sirius said back. “I wanted to see you but they wouldn’t let me!” 

“I know, I heard what Madam Pomfrey told you. It’s okay, I wouldn’t have been much company then anyway.”

“You’re always good company, Moony,” Sirius assured him. “Better than having to sit through a double class of History of Magic. I swear, if I have to listen to Binns talk about another blasted Troll war I’ll start a bloody war myself!” 

Remus laughed softly, but he immediately regretted that and curled up in pain, coughing.

“Merlin, Moony, I’m sorry!” Sirius apologized, sitting on the bed and running a hand soothingly on Remus’s back. “Listen to me talk shit while you’re not well...”

“No, I…” Sirius watched Remus force himself to lie back down and relax before continuing, “I don’t mind, I… it’s good to have you here.”

Flushing, Sirius decided to reply with a joke to cover up just how much Remus’s words had pleased him. “Careful, Moons. I might take that as an invite to lie down next to you and never let you have a moment’s peace!”

“No one ever has a moment’s peace when you’re around, Pads,” Remus shot back. “It’s the price we pay for your company.”

“Oi!” Sirius laughed. “I’m a gift from the Gods, don’t you know?”

“Vengeful Gods, I reckon…”

Sirius pouted a bit, pretending to take offence at that, but soon the smile on his face belied him. “Okay, enough for now, you can keep abusing me later. Go back to sleep, Lupin.”

“Will you stay? Just for a moment, I know you have Potions in a little while.”

“I could skip that?” Sirius offered. “I mean, if you…”

Remus interrupted him. “You go, Pads, and pay attention. I’ll need your help catching up.”

Sirius nodded, and sat there, as close as he dared to be, watching Remus fall asleep again

*

The fresh, new wave of loathing that Sirius felt for himself now, sitting on the floor of the Room of Requirement because he didn’t think he deserved even the uncomfortable armchair, threatened to overwhelm him and he knew he’d earned anything that would surely come to him in the following days and months.  


The worst of it, the reason why Sirius’s self-hatred currently burned as bright as the star after which he was named, was the little voice in his head that insisted that Snape had deserved it. Sirius was sorry, of course he was, he was so sorry he almost couldn’t breathe for it, but the thought remained: Snape had it coming. Sirius had never felt more like a member of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. His mother would have been so proud. 

All of this was immaterial anyway because Snape might have deserved it… but Remus hadn’t. If Sirius had just stopped to think for one second… It didn’t matter what made Sirius snap, what was it that Snivellus said to him that had finally broken the thin thread Sirius’s control hung on. It didn’t even matter that Sirius truly hadn’t thought about what he was saying when he’d betrayed his best friend so horribly, that he hadn’t meant to. Yes, Snape had been pushing all the right buttons that day ( _Traitor, disgrace, filthy, disgusting, monster!_ ) and Sirius’s mind had still been reeling from crossing paths with Regulus just a moment before and seeing hate in his little brother’s eyes; but all of that was irrelevant. Sirius had no excuses, no explanations, no saving grace. This, all of this, Remus’s pain, James’s anger, Peter’s fear, Dumbledore’s disappointment, and his own self-loathing… it was all on Sirius.

For the first time since his first year of school, Sirius was actually looking forward to the holidays. Being in Grimmauld Place, tortured by Kreacher at his mother’s command, and by both his parents when they were feeling particularly vicious, was exactly what Sirius had earned for himself. It wouldn’t help him fix what he’d broken, Sirius wasn’t sure anything ever could, but it would be penance and Sirius would accept it as his due.


	3. Sirius - Running Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter needs an additional warning. Nothing major, really, but the abuse Sirius suffers at the hand of his family is mentioned and I felt the need to let you guys know beforehand.
> 
> Chapter 4 should be posted next Monday.

Nothing unusual had happened that particular day, there was nothing Sirius could pinpoint as catalyst for his decision to run away. Of course, when the usual in the Black household, at least where Sirius was concerned, consisted in a long string of abuse, Full Body binds, and the occasional Cruciatus, everything could be at any given time deemed responsible for making him finally snap. Still, Sirius had no clear recollection of how he’d gone from stumbling into his room after spending a couple of hours locked away in a closet, the mid-August heat making him dizzy, to walking down the street with just a few belongings stuffed in a duffle bag.

He had walked aimlessly for a long time before the Knight Bus had found him and Sirius, impulsively, had given the conductor the Potters’ address. It was late when he arrived, the house dark and silent, and Sirius hesitated before knocking. _“If no one comes to the door, I won’t knock again,”_ Sirius thought, eyeing the shed on one side of the property and thinking he could just kip there for the night, and move on the following day with James and his parents none the wiser.

But of course the door opened, and Mrs. Potter smiled at him, the surprise in her eyes quickly changing into worry when she took a good look at Sirius.

“Merlin, Sirius! What’s happened to you?” Mrs. Potter asked, while ushering him inside, and guiding him towards the kitchen. 

“Sirius?” James called out from the last step of the stairwell that led to the second floor of the house, and the bedrooms. 

Sirius looked up at his best friend, dreading the hate he was sure to still see in his bespectacled eyes – having gone all Summer without hearing from James had left no doubt in Sirius’s mind about how angry his friend had still been with him – and blinking in surprise when he could only recognize confusion and concern.

“I… Prongs, I mean, James… I just… I can go? I’m sorry I didn’t think… I…”

“Of course you’re staying, Sirius!” Mrs. Potter interrupted him, and finally succeeded in pushing Sirius inside the kitchen, and having him take a seat at the table. “Have you even eaten anything?”

“Not, uhm, not today Mrs. Potter, I don’t think.”

Euphemia Potter’s kind face darkened at that, but she didn’t comment as she resolutely turned towards the stove to heat up leftovers for Sirius. While she was busy with that, James came to sit beside Sirius.

“What did they do to you, Pads?” James’s voice was but a whisper, his friend knowing full well that Sirius didn’t like discussing his treatment at his parents’ hands with anyone other than him (and Remus, but that was all in the past now…)

The use of the nickname formed a knot in Sirius’s throat that he tried to clear out before replying, but Fleamont Potter chose that moment to enter the kitchen thus delaying the inevitable explanation Sirius would have to give. 

“Merlin’s beard, Sirius! Where we expecting you? It’s good to see you, boy, we’ve missed you this Summer!”

“Th… thank you, Mr. Potter. I’m.. uh… sorry to have disturbed you so late.”

“Nonsense, dear boy! You know you’re always welcome here! But, here, did something happen? Only you don’t look so good…”

A loud bang came from the stove. “Honestly, Fleamont, did you misplace your tact tonight?” Mrs. Potter glared at her husband, motioning for him to come close while nodding her head towards James and Sirius.

Unable to fight off the smile he could see forming on his face, the very first since he’d left Hogwarts a couple of months earlier, Sirius looked at Mr. Potter meekly making his way towards his wife then turned to find the same smile mirrored on James’s face.

Both smiles died as soon as the two boys glanced at one another, and James asked again, “Well?”

“I’m not sure. I could make you a list if you want, but it’s nothing you haven’t heard before,” Sirius whispered back. “Full Body for an entire afternoon while Kreacher had his fun, an Unforgivable or two, time in the furnace mother calls a closet, name calling… dinner with Lucius Malfoy. The usual, really.” 

Sirius’s poor attempt at humour didn’t hit the mark, and James didn’t even try to muster up a smile. “You’re not going back there anymore, Sirius, you hear? I don’t give a shit if they’re your family, you can’t go back there! I won’t have it!”

James’s voice had gone progressively louder during his tirade, and now both his parents were looking at him and Sirius with wide eyes. Mr. Potter was the first to find his voice and, looking at Sirius’s mortified face, he said, “James is right, Sirius. Whatever happened, and it can’t have been anything good, you don’t have to go back if you don’t want to. You can stay here, as long as you like, and we’ll make the necessary arrangements, okay?”

Mrs. Potter had tears in her eyes but she was nodding along with her husband’s words, and James’s hand was on his shoulder, so Sirius stopped trying to hold himself up and just collapsed into tears of relief and exhaustion.

*

During the last two weeks of Summer holidays, things seemed to settle. Sirius’s owl, Astra, had delivered a howler from his mother which angrily – and at the same time, it seemed to Sirius, cheerily – informed him that he’d been disowned and burned off the tapestry with the family tree. 

“That bloody thing always looked creepy anyway,” had been James’s comment after the howler had self-distructed. “Quidditch?”

The Potters had effectively taken Sirius in and seen to his every need despite the fact that when he’d left, he’d remembered to grab the key to his personal vault at Gringott’s and so Sirius could actually pay his own way. Uncle Alphard had also deposited a generous sum in Sirius’s vault so the boy was set for years to come.

James had not entirely forgiven Sirius for sending Snape to the Shack, and while he’d made a point of being there for every single one of Sirius’s nightmares, and he’d tried to act like nothing had changed in front of Fleamont and Euphemia, there was a tenseness in James, a wall of ice which thinned considerably with each passing day, but was still firmly in place. Sirius wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to make it melt for good, nor did he think he had the right to try.

Peter had written back to offer his sympathies after James had owled him to tell him that Sirius was now living at the Potters’. Remus hadn’t. Or maybe he had but James had never said so to Sirius. To be fair, Sirius wasn’t even sure if James had contacted Remus in the first place. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe James didn’t think Remus should be bothered with even the simplest notion about Sirius’s life. If that was the case, of course James was right.

When September 1st arrived, Sirius made a point to say goodbye to the Potters before James did, and boarded the train alone. James and Peter should be sitting with Remus, and Sirius had no place in that. Surprise flashed on his face when he heard the door of his chosen compartment open, and James and Peter slipped in. Sirius didn’t dare ask after Remus, but James read his mind as usual and explained.

“Moony is still a prefect, Dumbledore hasn’t taken away his badge after… well… after. So he’s gone to sit in the prefects’ carriage.”

Sirius nodded, his head hung low, and only looked up again to answer Peter’s greeting.

“Alright, Padfoot?”

“Yeah, mate. You?”

Peter launched into a detailed description of his Summer, and Sirius let his friend’s tale distract him for a while. 

*

Remus wasn’t talking to him. It wasn’t as if he made a point to glower at him or just look through him as if he was invisible, Remus just acted as if Sirius wasn’t even there. In the dormitory, at meals, during lessons: Sirius might as well have transferred to another school as far as Remus was concerned. It was killing him slowly, but Sirius would curse himself before he uttered a single word of complaint. 

If Remus would show anger towards him, if he would just shout and kick and fight with him or decide to glare daggers and throw hexes, Sirius would know there could be a chance to earn forgiveness one day. As it stood, there wasn’t. If, for all that Remus cared, Sirius could be dead in a ditch or simply vanished into thin air… how was Sirius to fix things? How was he to explain, plead, beg on his knees, apologize until he was blue in the face? 

James and Peter were no help, of course – not that Sirius would ever ask them to intercede on his behalf – but while Peter talked politely and friendly to Sirius but was at the same time making it his mission to never leave Remus alone, James was torn between wanting to side with Remus and being unable to abandon Sirius and keep kicking him when he was already down. 

The air in their dorm was so thick when all four boys were there, that Sirius had taken to wandering the castle alone at night until he was sure the others were fast asleep, and only then allowing himself to return and get into bed. Nights weren’t the only time when Sirius made himself scarce: he never sat with his friends during class anymore, always made sure to be paired up with some Ravenclaw or other in Potions, and tried to eat his meals alone in the kitchens or sitting away from Remus.

There were times, though, when Sirius couldn’t help but sit in the shadows and look at Remus, torn between hoping he wouldn’t be discovered and hoping Remus would catch him one day and finally yell at him. Sirius also admitted to hoping he’d be brave enough in the end to do more than look from a distance. As it was, Sirius hadn’t been discovered yet - or found his bollocks - and so he kept on looking. 

There were new scars on Remus, and they spoke of a truly terrible Full Moon. The wolf had tried to tear Remus’s face apart, and there were now lines on the bridge of his nose and down his cheek. Half-healed already so, Sirius thought, it had to have happened during the first Full after school year ended, the scars were still a bit red and angry looking. As far as Sirius knew, no one had mentioned the new scars to Remus, Sirius would have probably earned himself a suspension if he’d heard someone comment on them, but it was obvious that Remus was terribly aware of them and ashamed.

Sirius wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to be, that he was still lovely, that Sirius still thought him handsome, and always would, but he’d lost any right to even think that, let alone say it out loud. If he could though, if Sirius still had the chance to talk to Remus, he would tell him how highly he thought of him, how brave and beautiful Remus was in Sirius’s eyes.

If Sirius still could, he thought that he would finally muster up the courage to tell Remus that he was the reason why Sirius had finally accepted that he wasn’t straight, that girls weren’t the only ones he was interested in. Besides, no girl could ever hold Sirius’s interest as much as Moony always had.


	4. Remus - Standing Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional warning for this chapter: suicidal thoughts. Sort of... I wouldn't want to spoil much, yet I felt I needed to point out that some lines in this chapter could be characterized as suicidal.

Remus was keenly aware of his parents’ concern; it wasn’t a new development, his life had always been spent under the watchful eye of a father who had never truly forgiven himself for the fate his words had brought on his son, and a mother who had wanted nothing more than to shield Remus from everything and everyone who could hurt him any more than he already had been. Remus wanted to avoid putting more pressure on his parents, and tried to mask the pain that Sirius’s betrayal had inflicted but soon, after the Summer holidays had started, he realized that both Lyall and Hope Lupin had picked up on the fact that something was very wrong. Something other than him being a Dark Creature, of course, Remus sarcastically reminded himself.

They had tried in the most unobtrusive way to offer comfort and to try and help Remus out of his funk: Lyall involving his son in various physical activities like putting up new shelves for the little pantry in the Lupins’ cottage, and Hope plying her son with chocolate and old books. Hope had also tried more than once to get Remus to talk to her, but he’d kept repeating that he was fine and she shouldn’t worry.

There had been one time when Remus had thought his mother might get to the truth, but her hesitant enquiry about his friends and whether something had happened with them had thankfully been silenced by the timely arrival of an owl carrying a letter from James, and Remus had sighed in relief. He didn’t want to talk about his friends, he had no way of telling the truth to his parents without revealing to them how his secret hadn’t been such for years now.

With the approach of the first Full Moon after The Incident, Remus felt a deep sense of dread. The wolf usually channelled whatever emotion Remus was experiencing, and amplified it to the maximum. There was no telling what his beastly counterpart would do to try and fight the amount of distress and pain that Remus had been feeling for the whole month while locked within the confines of the barn for the night.

 _“Maybe,”_ Remus thought darkly, _“this time I won’t wake up. Maybe the wolf will eradicate every feeling by simply destroying the host.”_ It could happen, he could die, Remus knew going into every Full that it could be his last, but the possibility had never felt more real, and it brought him something akin to relief.

*

Remus opened his eyes with great difficulty and immediately understood that his body was horribly wrong. The sheer agony he was in spoke of broken bones, torn skin, and shredded muscles. And there was something, something other than tears that clouded Remus’s vision. He couldn’t lift a hand to touch his own face but the smell of blood was so strong that Remus understood what had happened anyway: the wolf had clawed through his face and disfigured him.

“For the love of Merlin,” Lyall’s shocked voice reached Remus’s ears, and added to his suffering. “Remus… son… it’s okay, I’m here. I’ll fix whatever I can while your mother sends for the healer. Don’t try to move… don’t…”

His father kept talking to him, uttering nonsense, trying to reassure, while he used every healing spell he could think of to see to Remus’s wounds. Remus couldn’t focus on his dad’s words, though, the only thing fixed in his mind was his soon to be scarred face, and wave after wave of fresh horror slowly overwhelmed him.

Surely death would have been kinder.

*

The healer had done her best and if Remus had been able to be objective he would have had to concede that, while noticeable, the scars on the right side of his face weren’t as bad as they could have been. Objectivity failed Remus, as much as practically everything else in his life always had, but if asked he would have to admit that he was hard pressed to care. 

That was the new state Remus found himself in: after suffering the betrayal of the one person he’d never imagined could even slightly disappoint him, and after going through the ordeal the wolf had seen fit to throw at him, Remus had reached a state of detachment that suit him perfectly. He simply did not care. 

Not about the guilt in his father’s eyes, not about the hurt in his mother’s, not about the comments his scarred face would surely elicit, whispered behind his back or outright offered, mockingly, to his face. There was nothing that could make Remus willing to feel again.

Weirdly enough, the second Full of the Summer wasn’t nearly as bad as the first, and Remus convinced himself that being completely uncaring couldn’t bring him anything but favours.

When, in the middle of August, only two weeks before the start of the new school year, Remus received another one of James’s letters, the shockwave of emotions it provoked seemed to kick his dried up heart into motion again.

_Moony,_

_How are you? Your last had me worried. You said the Full wasn’t bad this month so that’s a relief, but really mate, how are you? Only you sound… off. Something else happen? You can tell me, you know? I’m here for you._

_I have some news myself and I didn’t know if I should write to you about it or not because, well, it’s Sirius, mate. He arrived here the other night and, Merlin, the state he was in! He left that godforsaken place for good, you know? My folks have taken him in and he’ll be staying with us until he’s of age (or for his whole adult life since my mother doesn’t seem to be willing to let him out of her sight!)_

_He’s bad, Remus, as bad as he was after Christmas hols in second year, remember? When we had to take turns sleeping in his bed because he kept waking up screaming bloody murder if we didn’t. I’m not telling you this because I think you should forgive him, because I don’t! You bloody well_ shouldn’t _forgive him for what he did! I just… maybe I’m asking for your permission to… not forgive him myself yet, but just… not be as mad anymore?_

_Sorry for putting this on you, mate. Don’t feel like you need to do anything you don’t want to, okay? Only, write back whenever you can because I’m worried about you too._

_Prongs_

Remus read James’s letter twice and when he finished, he cried. Everything he’d shut down and refused to feel for more than a month, now built up inside of him and choked him. Remus’s legs gave away and he crumpled in a heap on the floor of his bedroom sobbing uncontrollably. He had wanted Sirius to suffer, he had wanted Sirius to feel as bad as Remus did, to be hurt, to pay, and now that he’d learned just how much his wish had come true, Remus felt ashamed.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Remus had thought his anger towards Sirius would come to fruition, and that he’d find a way to make sure he’d get his due. Now, imagining the level of abuse Sirius had suffered and that had made him finally leave the toxicity of his own family, Remus realized that he couldn’t add to it. He wouldn’t be responsible for even one more of the nightmares James had to shield Sirius from now, like they both had done plenty of times in the past.

Forgiveness wasn’t in the cards, Remus didn’t think he had it in him to get past The Incident and trust Sirius again, but neither was inflicting pain on someone already suffering. Someone as broken and as alone as Remus was feeling now. Someone just as terrified about the future, just as uncertain.

Someone who, despite everything, Remus hated to admit he still loved as more than just a friend.

*

Sirius never looked at him. Since deciding to spend the ride on the Hogwarts Express sitting with Lily and the other prefects, Remus had tried to leave Sirius alone. He wasn’t ignoring him exactly, Remus didn’t think he’d ever stop being perfectly conscious of where Sirius was, how he looked, what he was doing, but he made the effort of never being alone in a room with Sirius and he never directly interacted with him.

Avoiding Sirius wasn’t difficult for Remus anyway because Sirius never seemed to be around wherever Remus was. Peter and James sat with Remus in class, but Sirius always chose the farthest corner of the room to follow the lessons, and he was always the first to leave when class was dismissed. Remus knew that the situation sat heavily on James’s shoulders because, contrary to Peter who stayed friendly with Sirius but had no qualms about showing where his allegiances lay, James was trying to split himself and his time in two. Of course he sided with Remus for everything concerning The Incident, and didn’t think Remus should forgive Sirius if he didn’t want to, but had also thawed almost completely towards Sirius and didn’t want to leave him alone too long.

Just like he’d told James in the letter he’d sent in reply to James’s own, Remus was completely fine with James forgiving Sirius and spending time with him, though in fairness it didn’t actually look like it was easy for James to be with Sirius when the latter did his best to disappear for hours.

Entering the dorm one evening, after spending most of his time in the library, Remus caught the end of a conversation between James and Peter.

“…don’t even know how he’s doing it without being caught, honestly!” James said.

“Where do you suppose he goes?” Peter asked.

“No idea. Room of Requirement would be my best guess, but still he needs to cross half the school to get back as late as he does, it’s risky.”

Peter sighed. “D’you think it would be better for everyone if Sirius changed dorms?”

The thought horrified Remus who looked at James to find the same sentiment reflected on his face. “No!” James yelled. “Bloody Godric’s left tit! Of course not!”

Peter shrunk back, and Remus was sure he’d been about to babble excuses in the face of James’s anger but he caught Remus standing by the door and his mouth simply hung open.

James turned, “Remus, hey.” He greeted. “Alright, mate?”

Remus knew his friends tried not to mention Sirius in his presence if at all possible, so he simply nodded and made his way towards his bed to get ready for the night. He could hear James’s and Peter’s whispers but he chose to ignore them. He didn’t feel like weighing in on the conversation, and he wasn’t even sure what he’d have said if he did. Probably something completely idiotic like “please make sure Sirius is alright”, or something he wasn’t ready to offer like complete and utter forgiveness.

*

If James had been the one to happen on the scene, Remus thought, hexes would have been flying, detention would have to be served, and Gryffindor would have lost at least a hundred precious points. It didn’t matter that James still refused to let Sirius completely off the hook because of Remus, if James had been there, he’d have wreaked havoc down on everyone.

James wasn’t there, though. No one else was. No one else but Remus, partially hidden behind a wall, and Sirius, surrounded by Snape and his cronies who were gleefully taunting him and laughing at him. Remus couldn’t even concentrate on what was being said, on the insults the Slytherins were throwing at Sirius: two things were at the centre of Remus’s focus, and he couldn’t see anything else. 

One, Regulus was there too, and though he simply stood there smirking and didn’t take part in the ambush, he wasn’t lifting a finger to help Sirius, either. 

Two, Sirius was just letting it all happen. He didn’t react, he didn’t talk back, he didn’t defend himself. He stood, eyes unseeing, face pale and drawn, and let the Slytherins, Avery and Mulciber most of all, have their fun. But that wasn’t all, Remus realized. Sirius wasn’t just silently accepting every cutting word and awful remark, he was taking it all in and absorbing it. Like he deserved it, like he needed to be reminded of just how unworthy, unlovable, he was. Like he was just waiting for Snape to tell his friends to stop talking and start hitting, either with fists or with hexes, drawing blood and pain, giving Sirius what he undoubtedly thought he was owed.

Frozen, Remus kept on looking at Sirius, unable to move, to intervene, to call for help. He was still there, hiding behind that wall and feeling shame like he’d never felt before, when Professor Dumbledore rounded the corner and the Slytherins ran. Sighing in relief, Remus looked on as Dumbledore asked Sirius if there was anything he wanted to tell him, watched Sirius just shake his head and, head down and shoulders heavy, go on his way.

Both Remus’s and Dumbledore’s eyes followed Sirius’s retreat for a while, then Dumbledore turned and fixed his gaze unerringly on Remus. The Professor took in Remus’s expression and smiled gently at him, but didn’t speak and didn’t do anything to mask the worry that had marred his features since he’d first set eyes on Sirius.

Dumbledore left, and Remus’s body unfroze and he was finally able to move. He walked down the corridor realising, like he hadn’t been able to do before, that something needed to change.


	5. James - Two Conversations

James Potter had never been more frustrated in his entire life. The situation among his group of friends had reached levels of stress previously unheard of, and he was feeling the strain of trying to pull himself in two different directions every minute of every day.

He put on a brave face, acted like nothing was wrong, pretended that Sirius looking like a ghost and acting like one wasn’t anything to write home about, and that the fact that Remus shut down every time he was in the same room with Sirius was no big deal. Peter had it so easy, James always thought. He could smile at Sirius while riding Remus’s coattails and making sure he was on the right side, the winning side. Assuming anyone could ever truly win in this thing. 

James wasn’t so lucky. Even the morning after Sirius had sent Snape to the Shack, when he’d shouted all his anger at his best friend and had felt like he would never be able to look at Sirius again without wanting to strangle him, James had known that that feeling wouldn’t last. 

James and Sirius had hit it off since the very first second they’d met on the train to Hogwarts. For all of first year, James had taken to say that the Sorting Hat had put Sirius in Gryffindor, despite his whole family being in Slytherin, because it hadn’t been able to separate two halves of the same soul. 

“Oh, so _that’s_ why my mother hates you!” Had been Sirius’s comment when he’d first heard James brag about the Sorting, thus starting a mock-fight that had ended with both boys laughing themselves stupid. Honestly, Walburga Black’s hate was like a badge of honour for James. 

Sirius was the brother James never had, and so it had been clear to James that he would forgive Sirius after a bit of time had passed. Still, that didn’t mean James couldn’t see how wrong Sirius had been, how much he’d hurt Remus, and so he’d vowed never to lift a finger to help him earn forgiveness from Remus.

Unfortunately now the pressure was getting to James. The enormous amount of concern he felt for Sirius, who looked more worn out and weary every day, never smiled and disappeared for hours on end, coupled with the need to just be there for Remus, whose scarred face had stabbed James in the chest when he’d first saw it and had him vow never to leave his side and protect him from looks and comments, threatened to make James crack and finally intercede with Remus on Sirius’s behalf.

The decision was thankfully taken out of James’s hands when Remus asked to talk to him alone, one evening after dinner. The two boys climbed to the top of the Astronomy Tower, and James sat there listening to Remus recall a scene he’d witnessed only a day before. 

Rage made him jump up, and James would have immediately ran back down to the castle to find Snape and curse him to hell, if Remus hadn’t stopped him.

“How many…” James took a deep breath, and tried to steady his voice. “Did you see who else was there? Snape, Regulus, bloody Avery, and Mulciber. Who else?”

“James…”

“Who else, Remus??” James wouldn’t have been surprised if someone had told him he was spitting fire. “I swear I’m gonna find them and…”

“And do what?” Remus asked. “What, James?”

“What the fuck do you mean, what? This is Sirius we’re talking about, and you may not care but…”

“Of course I fucking care! That’s the whole problem!” Remus interrupted, glaring at James who sat back down, chastised.

“Look, Remus, I’m sorry, I didn’t…” James started to say, but Remus put up his hand to stop him.

“No, it’s… I didn’t tell you because I wanted you to earn a whole year of detention by starting a fight with some Slytherins. I told you because… James, you didn’t see him. He didn’t even try to fight back, he was just… just…”

“Yeah, well, Sirius hasn’t been himself for a while now. No doubt he thought he deserved it. Or maybe,” James’ eyes were wide while he continued, “maybe he’s simply too far gone to care…”

Shaking his head, Remus said, “Yeah, I… I was thinking along the same lines, but I… What should I do? Prongs, please, just tell me. How can I get past this? Because I don’t know if I can.”

James saw his opening and he took it. “Right, Moony, listen: you cannot get past anything if you don’t talk to Sirius. I’m not saying you need to give him the time of day if you can’t stand to be in the same room with him, but you need to sit him down and let him tell you why he did what he did. If you don’t do that, you’ll never be able to move on, not just with Sirius but with yourself. Closure is what you need, what you both need.” James put a hand on Remus’s knee, and squeezed it. “Closure, mate. Whether it’s to help you put everything behind and start over, or to end your friendship once and for all. You’ll have to decide that for yourself, Moons. But no more of this limbo shit.”

“Limbo shit? No wonder Lily can’t stand your poems, Prongs,” Remus joked, voice trembling, and James understood that his friend wasn’t ready to say anything more.

“Oi! I’ll have you know she didn’t even rip the last one to shreds. She just threw it in the garbage. Whole. I’m winning her over, you just wait,” James grinned.

Remus laughed, and he accepted the hand James was offering to pull him up. “Thank you, James,” he said while the two friends made their way inside. “I’ll… think about what you said.”

“’S all I can ask, mate.”

*

Sirius got up and left the dorm as soon as Remus entered but this time James was ready: he quickly donned his Invisibility Cloak and followed after Sirius. At first it didn’t look like Sirius had a destination in mind, and the two boys kept wandering the corridors only narrowly missing Filch on his rounds. James thought Sirius must have become closely accustomed to Filch’s preferred route after spending all of his nights away from their shared bedroom. Or maybe the bastard was just lucky.

Finally Sirius stopped in front of a classroom and, after making sure no one was around, he slipped inside. James waited a couple of minutes, and then followed his friend.

Sirius was sitting on the floor in a corner of the barely lit room, and his eyes widened when James opened the door and entered the classroom still wearing the Cloak. It was sort of amusing to see, but James had more pressing matters than teasing his best friend, so he shed the Cloak and grinned at Sirius.

“Charming spot, mate,” James winked. “No wonder you can’t seem to stay away.”

“What are you doing here, James?” Sirius asked, sounding soft and tired.

“Missed you,” James replied, and he sat down close to Sirius.

“You did, uh? Can’t imagine why.”

“What do you mean you don’t know why, I’ve barely seen you since school started! We were supposed to keep helping Peter master the Transfiguration, you know he needs all the help he can get. He’s the only one of us who still has to change!” James exclaimed. “Besides, I’ve never gone this long without really talking to you and… I just miss you, okay?”

“You can help Peter yourself, James, after all you were the first of us to do it. You’re the first Animagus of our group. You don’t need me, Peter doesn’t need me… Re… Remus…” Sirius’ voice broke at the last name.

“I do need you, you git! And yes, maybe I was the first one to change, but I couldn’t have done it without you! Besides, you weren’t that far off anyway; Padfoot only came a couple of days after Prongs. I always needed you, I still do. Peter, too… Merlin, can you imagine what would happen if you weren’t there and he got stuck in the middle?”

Sirius chuckled at that. “What do you think he’ll be, Prongs? Something small, right? Rabbit, squirrel?”

“Snail, I’d say, going by his pace!” James said, and both boys laughed. “But really, Pads, I need you around, and not just for Peter. You… you’re my brother, okay? You know you are, and it’s killing me seeing you like this.”

Sirius’s head lowered, so that his long, black hair covered his face completely. James put his arm around Sirius’s shoulders and pulled him against his side. “Mate, will you talk to me?”

Sirius mumbled something James couldn’t catch, and when he asked him to repeat it, Sirius sighed. “Said I don’t deserve to be anyone’s friend, let alone brother. I screwed up so badly, James, I just…” Shaking his head, Sirius refused to continue.

“Yes, you did. Okay? I’m not going to tell you everything’s fine and you’re just being dramatic.” It hurt James to have to be so blunt with Sirius but this wasn’t the time to be gentle. Sirius needed to hear the truth. “What you did… there are consequences for it, maybe there always will be. But it doesn’t mean you can’t work on making things right! Hiding yourself, running away from the problem, letting bloody Slytherins have a go at you without reacting,” Sirius’s head shot up at this, but James continued undaunted, “it’s not going to do anyone any good!”

“Nothing I could do would ever be good enough, Prongs. Nothing. I… _I’m_ not good enough. I’m never going to be…”

Unable to keep hearing his best friend’s self-loathing manifesting in every word coming out of his mouth, James interrupted him. “Enough of that, Pads. You fucked up and you’re going to have to find the right way to apologize, but you’re not a bad person. You _are_ good enough! For the love of Merlin, my mum loves you more than me!” 

Sirius let out a small laugh at that, and looked up at James, “Women can never resist my charm, mate,” he joked, earning a slap from James.

“Pillock. I’m serious, here, and don’t you dare say it,” James glared, effectively stopping Sirius from making the old, overused serious/Sirius joke. “My parents love you because of _you_ , not your pretty face. And I love you too… I was pissed off with you at first, maybe I even wanted to punish you a bit, and that’s why I didn’t write to you during Summer hols. But then you…”

“Then I showed up at your place and ruined your plans, that it?” 

“No, you prat! You arrived that night, looking like death, and I wanted to kick myself for thinking you needed to pay and for not remembering that a single day spent with your family was punishment enough for two lifetimes!” James said, vehemently. 

Sirius’s eyes were full of tears, and James couldn’t stand it. He wrapped his other arm around his best friend and held him tight. After Sirius was able to calm down a bit, James released him but still kept him close.

“I want…” Sirius said, clearing his throat, “I want to make things right, James, you have no idea how much I want that. But Remus… he hates me. He won’t even look at me, he pretends I’m not even there and it’s killing me. But I deserve it, and if not having me around can help Moony in any way then… Then I won’t be around. It’s as simple as that. I won’t have him uncomfortable or in distress because of me anymore.”

“Sirius, I get it, but…” James started, but Sirius interrupted him.

“No, James, you don’t! You don’t get it! You say I can’t run away, that I need to apologize and face the problem, but what you don’t see is that Remus doesn’t want that! He’s decided he’s better off pretending I don’t exist and if that’s what he needs to get better, then that’s what I’ll give him.” Sirius shrugged off James’s comforting arm, stood up, and started pacing.

James stood up as well, and tried to speak again, but Sirius wasn’t finished. “You want me to help Peter become an Animagus but don’t you remember why we decided to master the transformation in the first place? It was for Moony, to help him during the Full, ease his torment, and what good can Padfoot do now? Remus won’t want me there, I lost any right to get close to him and help! You, and Peter, you guys can still help, but not me! I haven’t even…” Sirius shook his head and seemed to have ran out of steam.

“You haven’t even what, Pads?” James asked.

“I haven’t been Padfoot in a long time. I don’t… it’s easier for me being him, you know? Dogs process emotions in a simpler way, everything’s easier for a dog, and I didn’t think I deserved the luxury of turning into Padfoot, and stopping feeling like shit for even a second, when Remus couldn’t do the same.”

The desperation in his friend’s voice cut through James and he found himself at a loss. What could he say? How could he help? There had to be a way to fix this, but James couldn’t see it. He couldn’t betray Remus’s confidence and tell Sirius that he’d talked to him and that their friend might be starting to get ready to talk; James didn’t even believe it was his place to say that. 

Sirius spoke again, interrupting James’s musings, and unknowingly offering him a solution. “Remember how we said we wouldn’t be with Moony at the Full until all three of us had mastered the change? We were waiting for Peter to find his form, and then we’d be ready to keep Remus company, keep him safe too maybe. You’re gonna have to do that on your own now, Prongs. There’s no way Remus would ever let me get close enough anymore, in either human or animal form.”

The proverbial light bulb finally lit in his mind, and James suddenly knew exactly what to say to Sirius. “Maybe so but, Sirius, mate, how are you going to be sure that’s the case if you don’t stand still long enough for Remus to prove you right?”

“What?” Sirius stopped his pacing, and frowned at James. “I don’t…”

“You said you’re giving Remus what he wants and making yourself scarce. You’re also punishing yourself with that, and at the same time shielding yourself from having to sit in the same room with Remus confronted by his indifference. But this isn’t getting you anywhere, is it? So why don’t you just change that? I’m not saying you have to force Remus to speak with you, or be in his face all the time, just… just give it a chance. Stay in the dorm at night, let Moony do his own thing, and open yourself to the possibility that he might surprise you.”

Sirius was looking at James like he’d grown a second head, but there was also something else in his eyes, something James hadn’t seen in a long time: hope. Seeing that spurred James on, and he continued, “I don’t know if it’s going to work, I don’t know what will happen if you stop running, but you can always start ghosting yourself again in a few weeks if nothing changes, can’t you? Provided you take me with you now and again on these nightly expeditions because this isn’t bad at all!” James finished, with a grin.

Sirius pushed James, and laughed. 

“You really think…” Sirius started asking, before his voice failed him.

“Can’t hurt, can it? I mean, things cannot get any worse, can they? Please, for the love of Godric’s mighty sword, tell me things _can’t_ get worse,” James pleaded, a hint of sarcasm in his tone.

“Nothing could be worse than this, Prongs, believe me,” Sirius said, and James nodded. “Yeah, I… yes, okay, I’ll do it. What you said. I’ll stay still, I’ll just… be there.”

“Good,” James said, unfolding the Cloak. “You can start right now because we’re going back to the dorms and getting into bed. Merlin knows we both need our beauty sleep!”

Sirius smiled at him, and both boys hid themselves under the Cloak and made their way back to Gryffindor Tower.

*

The next morning, Sirius was still there when James woke up, and he even sat close at breakfast. Remus was still avoiding eye contact, but James was sure he’d seen him sneak a look or two at Sirius when the latter wasn’t aware. Things were looking up and maybe, just maybe, some sort of truce could be worked out.

It better be soon, James thought, because all this drama was cutting into his wooing time with Evans and, most of all, it was starting to interfere with James’s concentration during Quidditch. And that, as far as James was concerned, couldn’t be allowed to happen.


	6. Sirius - Penance

After the talk he’d had with James, Sirius tried his best to follow his friend’s advice. He still retired for the night later than the others, but at least he didn’t wait until everyone was asleep anymore; he sat close to James at meals even when he was sitting with Remus, and most of all Sirius made a point of not leaving a room the instant Remus entered it.

It was torture. James had been onto something when he said that hiding away had protected Sirius, not just served as a way to chastise himself. Sharing the same space as Remus and seeing him tense and resolutely look the other way whenever Sirius happened to be nearby was horrible. Sirius would have gladly accepted Kreacher’s ministrations than having to face Remus’s disregard.

Sirius had come to think of his current predicament as penance, and so he stayed, and suffered.

One evening, a little more than a week after the talk he’d had with James, Sirius didn’t feel strong enough to stay in the common room with Remus and the others so he made his excuses and went up to the dormitory. Curling up on the bed, thinking he should close the curtains and shut himself away for the night but dreading having to get up again, Sirius closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to escape.

The door of the dormitory opened but Sirius, knowing full well that it had to be James and not wanting his friend to try and convince him to come back down, pretended not to hear it.

The sound of a throat clearing prompted Sirius’s eyes to open and he found himself staring at Remus. Terrified, and not able to think of anything to say, Sirius just looked Remus in the eyes for the first time in months, and waited.

“I don’t remember… uhm… What did Slughorn say about substituting doxy eggs with fairy eggs when making the Girding Potion?” Remus asked, and Sirius truly couldn’t believe his ears. 

Sirius slowly sat up on his bed, trying not to move too quickly and scare Remus away – or making the hallucination vanish. Whichever – and replied, “You… well… You can do that but, ah, since you’re also using fairy wings for the, uhm, the potion, you need to reduce the dosage. Add one measure of eggs at the start, then instead of three measures later on you, uh, just add two measures along with the dragonfly thoraxes, and then stir till it turns blue. It’s, uh, same difference, really.”

Remus, who had never looked anywhere other than Sirius’s face the whole time, causing him to stutter way more than he would have liked, nodded. 

“Okay, thank you,” he said then and, as quietly as he’d come in the room, he left it again.

Sirius collapsed back on his bed, his whole body trembling, and pinched himself a few times before believing the whole exchange had actually happened.

*  
Questions about Potions kept coming, and soon Remus started to offer a small string of little openings to Sirius, surprising him every time. Sirius was walking on eggshells, grateful to Remus for trying and at the same time scared stiff that he’d do or say something to upset the new development.

Meanwhile, James and Peter, Sirius could tell, alternated between surprise and amusement at Sirius’s plight, and were absolutely no help. If Sirius had been able to behave like anything other than a deer in headlights, he’d have probably admitted that some of the episodes were indeed very funny.

*

James was insisting that the look Evans had given him when he’d come back from practice, sweaty and disheveled, hadn’t been one of complete disgust (spoiler alert: it was totally disgust,) but of desire.

“I’m telling you mate,” James said to Sirius, while stuffing his face full of potatoes, “She wanted a piece of this, t’was clear as day!”

Watching Peter roll his eyes at that, Sirius smirked and took a bite off his sausage and Remus, who was sitting in front of him, chose that exact moment to politely ask Sirius to pass him the salt.

Mouth hanging open at being addressed, Sirius just offered a very unflattering view of his half chewed food, and was unable to move until James elbowed in the side, and pointed at the salt.

Blushing furiously, Sirius finally did as he was asked, and ignored James’s giggle and Peter’s surprised stare. Remus’s soft, “Thank you,” was all Sirius could concentrate on.

*

Remus and James were talking, sitting close on Remus’s bed, and Peter was lying face down on his own bed trying to complete an essay for History of Magic. Sirius was on his knees, rummaging inside his trunk, looking for a Black Sabbath T-shirt he was sure he’d packed but that seemed to have disappeared. 

“But I’m sure about it, Moony,” Sirius heard James say, only keeping half an ear on the conversation while he cursed his trunk for eating his shirt. “He was at Zonko’s, too!”

“Prongs, I’m telling you,” Remus replied, and his voice caused Sirius to shiver a bit. “The last time we saw Frank Longbottom was in Honeydukes with Alice, remember?”

“Moony, I love you, but you can’t always be thinking about Honeydukes and chocolate! I’m telling you, Frank was at Zonko’s that day, and he saw Fabian Prewett snog Melanie Stewart too!”

“Sirius?” Remus’s voice directed to him startled Sirius to the point of making him jump and hit his head on the top of his trunk. “Was Frank there that day? Or was he in Honeydukes with Alice?”

“You… I… what… Uhm...” Sirius babbled very eloquently, causing a snort to come from Peter’s bed and eliciting a look of pity in James’s eyes. Remus simply looked at him, and waited. “I think Moon… uh… Remus is right, James. Frank wasn’t there that day. Remember we caught him on our way back to the castle? You even asked him where he’d been hiding.”

“That’s right,” was Peter’s contribution to the conversation.

James frowned, but had to concede he’d remembered it wrong and drop the matter. Meantime, Sirius was still staring up at Remus who nodded his head towards the chair near James’s bed. When Sirius looked at it, he saw the shirt he’d been looking all over for casually hanging there.

*

Sitting close to the window in the library, a book opened in his lap in case Madam Pince happened nearby and he had to pretend to be studying, Sirius was bored. Of course there was no need for him to stay, he could go back to the common room, or find something else to do, but the possibility that Remus would talk to him, or even just glance at him, was keeping Sirius glued to the chair.

Luckily one could always count on James Potter to provide distraction. Whilst Peter slaved on his chart for Divination class, and Remus was completing his Arithmancy paper, James was devoting his time to annoying Lily Evans as much as possible. Of course, in James’s mind, he was wooing her, and expertly so; only, Evans didn’t exactly share his conviction.

“Get off me, Potter!” Evans hissed, pushing James away from her.

“But I can’t, my precious Lily of the valley! My life has no meaning if I can’t sit close to you, and watch you brilliantly write your essay!” James declared, a hand on his heart.

“You keep this up, and then we’ll see if I can’t find a way to give your life a whole different meaning,” Evans glared. “For example, what about a lovely bat-bogey hex? I’m sure that could make you reconsider your life choices. Shall we try?”

James chuckled, but sat up straight and away from Lily. Sirius internally cheered his friend’s self-preservation: Lily Evans was the best at hexes, and she didn’t kid around with her threats.

“Here,” James said, “Take this chocolate frog as an apology for invading your space.” 

Sirius rolled his eyes at his friend’s antics, but looked curiously at Evans to gauge her reaction.

“You can keep your chocolate, Potter,” she said, not even looking up from her paper, and Sirius could see James deflating.

When James turned to look at Sirius, he just shrugged as if to say ‘Girls, mate. What can you do?’ and James nodded gravely at him.

“Catch, Pads!” Was all the warning Sirius got before James threw the chocolate frog to him. 

Sirius caught it, thanked James with a grin and, when he saw Evans look up at him, turned the full Sirius Black smile wattage on her and cocked his head as if daring her to comment. She didn’t, of course, just glared at him for a second, but Sirius hadn’t really expected her to say anything.

When Evans turned her attention back to her paper, and James turned his own back to Evans, Sirius was left with a conundrum. He didn’t want to eat the chocolate, he wanted to find a way to give it to Remus. Problem was, Sirius always waited for Remus to make the first move, to ask something of Sirius so that he could immediately jump at the opportunity to do what Remus wanted. He wasn’t sure he had the right to initiate a conversation. On the other hand, chocolate was a sure way into Moony’s good graces so maybe it was worth a try. 

Before he could decide, Sirius was startled by a yelp coming from James. Looking over he saw that Evans had charmed her quill to behave like a chicken, and the thing was currently pecking away at James’s hand.

“Okay! Oww! I’m sorry, Lily, make it stop!” James was yelling, trying to swat away the offending quill.

Evans shared a highly amused look with Marlene McKinnon, then decided to take pity on James and muttered the counter-charm. “Now, go away, Potter,” she said, a hint of a smile still on her face. Everyone at the table was laughing, too, and Sirius couldn’t help but look wistfully at Remus’s smiling face. 

Sighing and holding his hand, James evidently decided he’d been humiliated enough for one day, and he made his way to Sirius. 

“Come on, mate. Let’s see if we can find something to do,” James said, and Sirius was instantly torn between wanting to go with James and wishing he had a way to give the chocolate to Remus.

Sirius had just got up, book discarded and chocolate frog tight in hand, when he heard Remus talk to him.

“Can I have that, if you’re not eating it, Sirius?” Remus asked, pointing at the frog.

In his haste to get to Remus and give him the chocolate, grateful for the chance he’d been presented with, Sirius tripped on his own feet and would have fallen on his face if James’s reflexes hadn’t been so good.

“Steady, mate,” James said, holding him up, and Sirius felt his whole face burn with mortification.

“Are you okay, Black?” Evans asked, and behind her Sirius could see McKinnon’s surprised face and Peter’s compassionate one.

“Fine, Evans,” Sirius replied, with as much dignity as he could muster; then he made his way slowly towards Remus who, Sirius realized, was looking at him with a bit of concern. “Here, Moon… uh… Remus,” Sirius stuttered, and held out the chocolate.

Remus extended a hand and took the frog right out of Sirius’s causing their fingers to brush. The whole exchange lasted barely a fraction of a second but the warmth of Remus’s fingers was like a shock to Sirius’s nervous system, and he stood there frozen, unable to do anything else but look at Remus.

“Thank you,” Remus said, and a tiny, barely there, smile graced his features for a moment.

Obviously understanding that Sirius had lost all control on his limbs, James came over, grabbed Sirius’s arm, and pulled him away from the table, and out of the library.

The two boys stopped as soon as they exited the library, and Sirius leaned against the wall trying to catch his breath.

“You okay?” James asked.

“He…” Sirius had to stop and take a deep breath before continuing, “He smiled at me, Prongs. And he… touched my… his hand, he… with the fingers…” Shaking his head, Sirius couldn’t go on.

“Yeah, I saw. ‘S good, right? Progress,” James said, smiling.

With a small answering smile on his face, Sirius nodded.

*

“Concentrate now, Peter, don’t lose your focus!” Sirius encouraged his friend for the tenth time that afternoon.

“Come on, Pettigrew! You can do this!” James also spurred him on.

The three friends had been at this for hours and Sirius was starting to believe that Peter would never master the transformation. Of course it was imperative that he did it, and Sirius had no intention of giving up. Padfoot was useless to Moony now, and Prongs couldn’t hope to be able to control the wolf alone, so Peter simply had to find his form and help out.

“Close your eyes, and just feel. Just let the animal take control and let yourself go,” Sirius told Peter. “Just breathe and… Merlin’s balls! Prongs, are you seeing this?” 

“A rat? Really? He’s a rat?” James laughed, and Sirius lost it a second later, too.

“Oi!” Peter yelled, apparently having no problems turning back into a boy. “I finally do it and you two just take the piss?”

“Sorry… ah… Merlin’s left tit that was… shut it, James!” Sirius babbled, breathlessly, trying to kick James who was rolling on the floor unable to stop giggling. “You did it, Peter! You really did! That was… uh… impressive…”

James was wheezing now, and Peter couldn’t stop glaring, but Sirius could see amusement in his eyes too and, after a while, even Peter laughed a bit.

When things calmed down – and James stopped making squeaking noises – the three boys sat together and tried to decide on a nickname for Peter. Peter immediately vetoed James’s enthusiastic suggestion of ‘Julius Cheeser’, which had sent Sirius into another fit of laughter, and was currently undecided between Nibbles and Wormtail. James suggested they wait for Remus’s input on the name, and Peter asked if the three of them could change together for the very first time.

Sirius could feel James’s stare boring into him and he knew his best friend remembered what Sirius had confided him about being Padfoot. 

“Sirius,” James started. “Mate, things are different now, right? Better, even? Surely you can try again. Besides, you won’t do it for yourself but for us, to celebrate Peter.”

“Come on, Pads,” Peter pleaded. “Together or not at all, wasn’t that it?”

Taking a deep breath, Sirius nodded and soon there were a stag, a rat, and a dog in the room. Padfoot’s tail wagged like mad and he ran circles around the stag he’d not seen in a long time. The rat began to climb on the stag’s antlers, and Padfoot sat there surveying his progress.

When the door of their room opened, Padfoot’s ears shot down and he scooted back towards Sirius’s bed to try and make himself inconspicuous. Through his colourless view, Padfoot saw Remus take in the scene.

“Prongs, what…” Remus said, stopping as soon as he spotted the rat. “Is this… Peter? Is that you?”

Padfoot looked on, jealously, as Remus picked the rat up and held him between his hands. The dog wanted to feel the boy’s hands on his fur, too, but he knew they wouldn’t be willing to pet him.

“Look at you, you did it!” Remus told the rat, placing him back on the bed, and watching him turn into Peter again. Remus went to hug and congratulate Peter, and James also changed back to join in.

Suddenly Remus turned and spotted Padfoot. The dog’s tail shot between his legs and his ears almost went flat on his head, his whole body shrinking confronted with the intensity in Remus’s gaze.

Remus got up, and Padfoot could only look at him as he approached. Once he reached the dog, Remus offered his hand and waited. Padfoot wasn’t sure what to do but finally he couldn’t resist the temptation to push his nose into the boy’s scent.

“Hey, Padfoot,” Remus said, and the dog shivered. “Been a while, hasn’t it?”

Padfoot bravely attempted a small lick at the boy’s hand, and was rewarded with a scratch behind his ear that sent a jolt of pleasure down his form.

“James, do you think you and Peter could give us a moment?” Remus asked.

“Yeah, Moony, of course, we…” James stopped to throw a glance at Padfoot, obviously trying to assess the situation before leaving them alone. 

“We’ll go,” Peter finished for James, and Padfoot watched the two boys leave the room.

Remus sat down on Sirius’s bed, and asked, “Do you think you could change back now, Sirius?”

Unable to deny Remus anything, Sirius immediately reappeared, crouched down at Remus’s feet, and stared up at him unsure.

Remus patted his hand on the bed. “Will you sit down? I think… maybe we should talk.”

Fear and hope warring inside him, Sirius sat down and waited for Remus to speak.


	7. Remus - Forgiveness

Despite having done everything he could think of to work up to this very moment, Remus suddenly found himself at a loss. Everything he had conceded in the past weeks, the looks, the questions, the way he’d pushed himself to acknowledge Sirius and let him in, bit by bit, had led Remus to believe himself ready to finally confront the pink Hippogriff in the room.

Remus was just now finding out how wrong he’d been. He wasn’t ready, he wanted nothing more than to get up and run away, to carry on ignoring everything that hung heavy between himself and Sirius, and continue keeping his distance. A small, dark part of Remus had felt satisfaction in seeing Sirius scramble to obey his every command, answer his every need, beg for a look or a word; but it wasn’t right. Remus’s concern for the state of his friend, his inability to stop caring for him, and his growing need for things to go back to the way they were Before, were becoming impossible to ignore.

Still, Remus hadn’t consciously decided this day would be the right one for The Talk. He hadn’t planned, he hadn’t prepared, he’d just been caught by surprise at seeing Peter’s rat form, and then Padfoot. The dog held a special place in Remus’s heart, he always had. Since the very first time he’d seen Sirius change into Padfoot.

When his friends had told him about their plan to become Animagi so they could stay with him during the full moon, Remus had been overwhelmed. It was extremely dangerous, not to mention illegal, and there was a vast amount of things that could go wrong. Nonetheless, Remus knew that his friends wouldn’t be deterred, and he would be lying if he didn’t admit to himself how grateful he was for their determination, their care, their wish to help. 

It took them almost three years but then one day in the middle of fifth year, Remus had been brought to the edge of the Forbidden Forest and James Potter had changed into a stag in front of his eyes.

Only a few days later, in their shared dormitory, Sirius also revealed his new form, and Remus would always remember every detail of that fateful evening.

*

“Okay, so you know James here is a stag, right? Bulky and enormous,” Sirius told Remus, only to be interrupted by an indignant James.

“Oi! Regal, that’s what I am. Majestic.” James insisted, and Sirius waved him away.

“Whatever, that’s not my point,” Sirius continued, ignoring James’s mutterings about Sirius’s point being rubbish. “My point is…” And suddenly Sirius wasn’t there anymore and a big, black dog stood in his place.

Remus stared at him open mouthed.

“Ta daaaah! Marauders United are proud to present… a mangy mutt,” James deadpanned, earning a growl from Sirius who immediately tried to bite him, too. “Oi! Geroff, you prat!” 

Sirius’s dog form barked at James then turned towards Remus once again, expectantly.

“You… Merlin, Sirius, you look great!” Remus said, and the dog wagged his tail and went over to be petted. Remus crouched down and held the dog close, caressing his head and sides, and hiding his tears in his fur.

A dog was something special, and not just because Remus loved dogs, but because… well, a stag could probably defend himself against the wolf if the latter decided to consider him a threat, and he could also corral the wolf and make it behave. But a dog… a dog could become pack, a dog could be a companion. A dog could calm, soothe, understand the wolf.

Sirius’s animal form was a gift in more than one way for Remus.

*

His weakness for Padfoot was to blame for Remus’s current predicament, sitting on the bed with Sirius, and knowing that their conversation couldn’t be delayed anymore. Taking a deep breath, Remus looked at Sirius’s terrified face, and started to talk.

“When I woke up in the infirmary that day I could tell something wasn’t right. And not just because I hurt a lot more than I’d been expecting to, but because I could remember someone being there mere seconds before the wolf took over. I thought… for a moment, I thought I had kill… ehm… killed someone,” Remus stopped, trying to swallow the knot that had lodged itself in his throat while he recalled how he’d believed his worst fear had come to life.

“I…” Sirius tried to interject, but Remus stopped him with a pointed look.

“Let me say what I need to say, Sirius. Then you can talk,” Remus ordered, and Sirius just nodded. “James was there that morning, in the infirmary, I think Dumbledore told Madam Pomfrey to let him in, and when he told me… when he said… Snape, the Shack… you. I couldn’t… I didn’t understand a word he was saying. I kept asking him if anyone had been hurt… over and over. I couldn’t focus on anything else just… did I hurt someone?” 

Sirius lowered his head at that, his hair covering his face, and Remus couldn’t stand it. “No. No, you look at me while I speak to you. You owe me that at least.”  


Wide eyes fixing themselves once more on his face, Sirius motioned for Remus to go on. “Once I knew that the only one I’d tried to claw my way into was myself,” Remus went on, grim satisfaction colouring his tone when he saw Sirius wince at his words, “I could finally listen to what James was telling me. Imagine that. Imagine lying there, bleeding, hurting, and being told that someone you’d considered one of your closest friends had decided it would be a lark to send his enemy out for you to slaughter. Imagine finally realizing that even the people you thought cared for you could only see you as a monster, to be feared, to be paraded, to be used as a weapon against others. Imagine that, Sirius.”

Remus spat everything out like it was poisonous, the relief of finally having it out in the open almost dizzying, but he felt no joy in seeing the tears in Sirius’s eyes. Remus knew that Sirius wanted to say something, but he was doing what Remus wanted and keeping silent while never averting his eyes, letting Remus see every emotion, every stab of pain. Allowing Remus’s words to hit home and taking in every blow without flinching.

“And I wanted to ask why, why would you do that, Sirius?” Remus said, voice unsteady. “But I couldn’t because… wasn’t it obvious? You’d always seen the monster in me, even if I’d convinced myself it wasn’t so, and when the time came to go after Snape you simply decided to use the wolf to take care of a problem for you. I guess I didn’t need to hear it from your voice, it was plain as day, and you…”

“No!” Sirius shouted, and his heartfelt cry silenced Remus. “You don’t… that’s not… Look, I know you told me to hear you out and I wanted to, I _want_ to, you deserve to ask anything of me and get it without reserve. But I can’t… please, Remus, please, can I just say…”

Sirius’s pleading got to him, and Remus was beginning to feel the strain of letting all his pain out, so he just nodded for Sirius to say what he wanted.

“Thank you,” Sirius said, and Remus could clearly see him struggling to find his words. “If you’ll allow me, if you’ll be willing to listen, I want to tell you about that day, and what came before; but first… Remus, please, you are _not_ a monster! You’re not! If anyone’s a monster here, it’s me.”

Remus wanted to believe Sirius’s words, but evidence to the contrary was so overwhelming to him, that he just shook his head.

“Please, just please, if you decide not to believe anything I say, if you can’t find it in yourself to trust a word out of my mouth anymore,” Sirius pleaded, “At least believe this, and only this: you. Are. NOT. A. Monster! You… Moony you, you’re so good, you’re so…”

Remus couldn’t bear to hear anything more. “Stop it, Sirius. I… I’ll try to do as you ask and believe you don’t think of me as a monster. I don’t… know if I’ll succeed but I’ll try. But do not compliment me, I don’t need or want your flattery.”

“It’s not! I’m not…” Sirius started, but Remus halted that with a look. “Okay, okay, I… May I still tell you about that day and the time before?” 

Remus nodded, and Sirius continued.

“I think I need to start by saying that nothing can excuse what I did. I don’t have a reason, I don’t have an explanation, I don’t have any sort of defence for my actions. I am so sorry and, if you’ll let me, I’ll do anything in my power to prove just how much. I want to apologize to you and prove that I would never _ever_ do anything like that again, but I don’t have the right to ask for your forgiveness, and all I can do is be open and tell you everything I was feeling then… because it won’t condone my actions, but the least you deserve is to know everything.”

Remus watched while Sirius took another deep breath, and then continued. “I don’t know if you remember but last term, a few days before OWLs, I got a letter from Andromeda. Both you and James kept asking me what she had to say but I didn’t really feel like sharing at the time. Here, uh… Would you like to read it now, Remus?” Sirius asked.

Remus did remember the letter, and how worried he’d been for Sirius because of it, but his friend hadn’t been forthcoming with information about what his cousin had shared with him, and Remus hadn’t wanted to press on. He couldn’t really see what the letter had to do with anything but Remus didn’t have it in him to deny Sirius his request – and he was still curious about the content of the letter – so he gave his consent, and watched Sirius retrieve the envelope from a pocket of his trunk.

“Here,” Sirius said, offering Remus the letter. “Read it, I’ll wait.”

Unfolding the paper, Remus started reading.

_“Hello cousin,_

_Not long to O.W.L.s now, is it? I’m sure you’ll do great, even if I know you won’t lift a finger until you absolutely have to, you slacker._

_Things are good here, but there’s something I need to tell you. I know I said Ted and I would wait for Summer holidays so you could be Nymphadora’s Godfather, but Narcissa got wind of the date we’d set and I knew she’d tell Bella, and your mother, and I…_

_You see, little one, we had to ask Ted’s cousin to be Godfather and have the ceremony earlier. We had it last week, actually, and I know you’ll be disappointed but Nymphadora’s safety has to come first. You know what Bellatrix would have done, and I can’t even think about the things your mother would have put into motion._

_In a way, it was the safer decision for you too, right? I mean, Walburga and Orion didn’t need another reason to have a go at you. This way at least you’ll be spared any retaliation._

_You know I love you, Sirius, don’t you? You’re the only member of our family I care for, that I trust; but this had to be, and I’m not sorry about it. I still hope you’ll consider coming to visit this Summer, and Nymphadora is looking forward to meeting you. You will come, won’t you?_

_Be well, cousin._

_Andromeda_

Remus found himself at a loss. He knew how much Sirius had been looking forward to being Andromeda’s daughter’s Godfather; the idea that at least one member of his family loved him enough to ask that, to want to include him in her life in such a way, had filled his friend with joy and Remus couldn’t imagine what being deprived of the chance to fulfill his role had done to Sirius. No wonder he’d looked like he’d been hit by an Unforgivable after he’d first read the letter!

“Oh hell, Sirius. I don’t know what to say… I’m so sorry.”

Sirius smiled sadly at him, but Remus didn’t know what else to say so he just waited for his friend to speak.

“‘S’alright, it really was for the best, and I know Andi never meant to hurt me. She did what she had to. But, uh… When she took that away from me I… well, I felt like I always feel with my family: a failure. Guess I wasn’t expecting it with Andi and I took it hard, you know?”

Remus now understood that Sirius was trying to give him a clear picture of his state of mind before The Incident, and he wanted to be silent and listen, but he found he couldn’t stop himself from intervening.

“You’re not a failure, Sirius. Basically every other member of your family is, but not you. By not conforming to their expectations, by rebelling to their beliefs, you set yourself on a higher level… _They’re_ the ones who fail, not you.”

Sirius’s bitter laugh startled Remus. “But I am, don’t you see? You of all people should know that. Haven’t I failed you so badly that you hate me now? Didn’t I prove to you that I am a Black through and through?”

Remus had to squash the sudden urge to tell Sirius that he didn’t hate him, and it took a lot of strength but he did it. It was the truth, but Remus wasn’t ready to speak of it… and maybe Sirius didn’t deserve to hear it, yet.

“Anyway, I showed you Andi’s letter not because I wanted you to feel sorry for me. It’s just that… well, that’s where I was at right before OWLs. I tried to put it out of my mind, to go on like always, but I kept feeling lost and alone even when I was with you guys. I probably would have caved and talked to you and James about it, but I didn’t get the chance… and then that bloody stupid day came and Regulus was in my face.”

Sirius stopped to compose himself, and Remus couldn’t help but pity his friend.

“I was alone when I met my brother, and I was still trying to come to terms with Andi’s decision and with losing the important place I thought I’d have in her daughter’s life. Regulus was alone, too, and I thought… maybe I could get him back. Maybe I’d lost Nymphadora but could get my little brother back. I was so stupid, Remus… but I tried, and the hate I saw in Regulus’s eyes, I… Why does he hate me? We were so close and I never did anything to him, but it was so easy for him to turn his back on me and side with my parents. What is it in me that makes my family loathe me to the core?” Sirius muttered, dejected. “Doesn’t matter, that’s not the point anyway. So there I was, in that corridor, after Regulus left and I couldn’t move. That’s when Snape found me.”

“Sirius…” Remus tried, but Sirius halted him.

“No. No, that’s not… I’m not trying to say I was justified, it doesn’t matter what Snape told me or how many times I’d heard the same words from my parents or my little brother. I still shouldn’t have done what I did. Don’t you see? I’m just telling you everything that happened because that’s all I can give to you. It’s all I have to offer and I know it doesn’t help, I know! Nothing I can tell you could ever help you because I still did it… I didn’t think and I hurt you… _you_ , Remus! The very last person I ever wanted to inflict pain on… And I would give anything, anything at all, to go back and stop myself. But I can’t, and you hate me, and I’ll never… Never…”

Remus watched as Sirius collapsed in on himself and cried.

“I don’t…” Remus whispered. “I don’t hate you, Pads.” The use of the nickname had the desired effect, and forced Sirius to raise his head again and stare at Remus. “That is actually the worst of it. I never hated you, not even from that bed in the infirmary. I suppose I’m not able to… And I… Well, I do see now that you were in a very bad place and it… it doesn’t help but only because I never wanted you to go through all that. What it does is make me believe you when you say you don’t see me as a monster, that that wasn’t the reason why you sent Snape to the Shack. And _that_ helps me.”

Sirius looked back up at him again, and Remus could see gratitude in his eyes. “Do you think… uh… Please, is there anything I can do to earn your forgiveness? Just name it and it’s yours. We can keep going as we’ve been these past weeks… with you deciding when and where to talk to me, and the rest of the time I’ll just stand there and wait. Please, Remus, I… It would be enough.”

“Forgiving you is not really the problem here, Sirius,” Remus replied. “I think I have already. The chocolate frog probably sealed the deal,” Remus joked, and was glad to see Sirius smile. “What I don’t know is if I can give you my trust again. If you’re hurting and you keep acting before thinking of the consequences, how can I ever trust that you won’t betray me again? And I can’t… I can’t put myself in that position again, I…” 

Remus paused for a second, and then pointed at the scars on his face. “This, you see? This is what happens when the wolf picks up on my bad mood and decides to take matters into its claws. The more I hurt, the more the wolf makes sure it shows on my skin, too. I can’t…”

“I’m so sorry… so sorry… so sorry… I am so so sorry… _please_ …” Sirius was repeating like a mantra, and it broke Remus’s heart to hear such despair in his voice, but what could he do? Was he really ready to take the fall again if he decided to lend his trust only to have it broken by Sirius once more?

“Look, maybe… hey, stop that, alright?” Remus waited until Sirius calmed down a bit, and seemed to be willing to listen. “Maybe it will take a little while, okay? Maybe we can start being friends again and in time we can fix this, and I’ll feel able to trust you again.”

“You would…” Sirius breathed. “Yes. Yes alright, whatever you need, Remus, I will do. I’ll take what I can and if you’ll always want to keep me at arm’s length, I’ll accept it if it means I can still be a part of your life.”

Suddenly Remus felt drained, and the need to be done with this conversation became impossible to ignore. “Good, we’ll do that,” he said. “But now, do you mind? Only, I’d first come in the room to pick up a book that needs to be returned to the library and…”

“Of course, no, sure,” Sirius said. “Go and… I’ll see you at dinner?”

Remus smiled at the hope in Sirius’s tone, “Yeah. See you then.”

*

The weeks that followed the conversation with Sirius seemed to set things in the right direction for Remus. The first Full he’d had to endure after that also went surprisingly well, further proof of how much Remus’s own emotions influenced the wolf’s behaviour. James had asked Remus if, now that Peter had found Wormtail, he maybe wanted them to accompany him to the Shack, but everything with Sirius was still so tentative, so stilted and precarious, that Remus hadn’t felt able to accept.

However, Remus was finding himself laden by a new set of problems now. Sirius was gradually relaxing into the new phase of their friendship and he started making overtures too. He wasn’t just standing there begging for Remus’s attention, but he also initiated conversation and tried to make himself available for Remus at every hour. In the beginning this had suited Remus perfectly: he wanted Sirius to feel like he could speak without waiting to be spoken to first, to be more confident, and at the same time it was nice to have him still at Remus’s beck and call.

Lately though, Sirius’s behaviour had started to get on Remus’s nerves for more than one reason. First and foremost because Lily noticed and accosted Remus more than once to ask for an explanation that Remus didn’t exactly want to give her. Of course, Lily had known something was wrong with Remus, and in his friendship with Sirius; it’d be impossible for her not to given all the time she spent with Remus. But Remus hadn’t confided in her, mostly because she didn’t know about the Shack and the Willow, but also because of her rocky relationship with Snape. 

Nowadays, Lily ceased pressing for answers and started insisting that Remus behaved better with Sirius and stopped, she said, “making him follow you like a kicked puppy all the time! It’s cruel, Remus!” Even if he still thought Sirius deserved to do some penance, Remus wasn’t sure he completely disagreed with Lily and that was starting to weigh on him.

Secondly, having Sirius so close to him all the time, ready and willing to do Remus’s bidding, was intruding in Remus’s dreams and disrupting his peace of mind. Because let’s be honest, Remus could think of a great number of very different favours he wouldn’t mind asking Sirius to perform. And that was so wrong for so many reasons… Obviously, Remus would never demand sexual favours from anyone, let alone someone he had feelings for, and Sirius was straight anyway! But even if he wasn’t, Sirius wasn’t attracted to Remus and never would be.

Knowing all this didn’t make Remus’s situation any better, though. And of course it was only a matter of time before he snapped and took that frustration out on Sirius.

*

Everything came to a head one evening in November just a few days after Sirius’s birthday that, much to everyone’s surprise, had gone by without a glitch. Remus and Sirius were in the dormitory, alone because James was serving detention and Peter had a date with a pretty Hufflepuff Sirius had helped him woo.

Remus was reading on his bed, trying to relax and concentrate on the story, but unable to do anything else but feel Sirius’s eyes on him. Sirius was currently perched on a corner of Remus’s bed, his back against the bedpost, and didn’t seem to want to do anything else but watch Remus. It was driving him crazy.

“Do you mind?” Remus shouted, having reached his limit.

“Wha… uh… I… sorry, Moony, I wasn’t…” Sirius babbled.

“Can’t you find something else to do? Someone else to annoy?” Remus interrupted.

Sirius’s face darkened at that, and he hastily got off the bed, and apologized. “I’m… sorry, I… I’ll go, okay? I didn’t… just, sorry.” 

Remus wasn’t in the mood for Sirius’s pitiful looks, and the frustration he’d accumulated in the past weeks needed to finally get out. 

“Will you just stop?” Remus yelled, effectively preventing Sirius from leaving the room. “I know we’re working on our issues, and trying to find our way back, but that doesn’t mean you need to stick to me like glue! I can barely go to the loo without you following me these days!”

“I’m sor…” Sirius started to say again, and Remus couldn’t hear it.

“And stop apologizing! Merlin, you can’t seem to be able to say anything else lately! The other day at dinner your arm brushed against my plate while you were taking a helping of potatoes, and you apologized to me for three hours straight! What the fuck, Sirius?”

Whatever Remus had expected would happen when he let this all out, whatever he had thought Sirius would say in reply, he surely wasn’t prepared to see his friend shout back. It was a surprise, it was a shock, it was… _Sirius_ was… magnificent.

“What the bloody hell do you want from me, Remus? Uh? What? I keep waiting for you to tell me and you never do!” Sirius shouted, and Remus couldn’t look away from the fire in his eyes. It had been so long since he’d last seen it. “I know I have to prove myself, that I need to show you that I’m sorry and hope you’ll want me back, and I try! Merlin, I’m just trying here, and now you tell me that’s wrong, too?”

“I… look, that’s not…” Remus tried but Sirius was on a roll and just talked over him.

“I stay close to you, wait for you to notice me and give me a chance to win you back, and apparently I’m botching that up too! What should I do? Why don’t you tell me, Remus? I can’t stand not knowing anymore. Will I ever be good enough for you again? Will I ever deserve…” Suddenly Sirius ran out of steam, and he just stood there, defeated.

Remus got up and went to his friend, throwing caution and suspicion to the wind, and embraced him. Sirius’s arms immediately came up to hold Remus close, and his hands clenched in the fabric of Remus’s jumper. Remus allowed Sirius’s head to find its place in the crook of his neck, and inhaled his scent deeply.

The two boys stayed locked together for a long time, before Remus felt the need to speak and pushed Sirius away from him.

“I’m sorry, Pads. You’re right, and you didn’t do anything wrong now. I’m just… it’s just… me. I’m trying to sort my head out but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Can I help?” Sirius asked. “Do you want to talk to me about it? Tell me your thoughts?”

That was actually the last thing Remus wanted to do. He could just imagine how the conversation would go if he opened his mouth and said, _“Well, you know how these things go. I may be willing to trust you again, though the jury is still out on that a bit, but you being in my face all the time isn’t exactly helping with the fact that I want to pin you to the wall and snog the living daylights out of you. For starters that is…”_ Yeah, Remus thought, that should end well.

“No, I…” Remus lied. “I’m not sure I’d know what to say, it’s all a bit of a mess in here,” he finished with a smirk, pointing at his head.

Sirius smiled. “Yeah, I’m familiar with that,” he said, self-deprecating and cute. “Offer stands though, mate, if you want.”

Remus nodded, and made his way back to the bed. It didn’t escape his notice how Sirius immediately looked forlorn and like he had no idea what to do with himself then, so Remus patted the side of the bed and beckoned him forward.

“Can I lie down then, Moony?” Sirius asked. “I promise I won’t bother you while you finish your book.”

Remus gave his consent and Sirius quickly lay down beside him, and closed his eyes.

Of course, Remus had no hope whatsoever to concentrate on reading anymore so he just pretended for a bit until he was sure Sirius had fallen asleep and then, book discarded on the bedside table, he curled up and stared openly at his friend.

The shouting match seemed to have cleared the air for Remus, not to mention fire his guilt up a notch for starting up that fight in the first place, and now he wanted nothing more than to let Sirius close again. Things might still be rocky for a bit, but Remus knew with sudden clarity that he didn’t want to lose Sirius, and that he didn’t want his friend to pay for his mistake anymore.

That wasn’t all Remus wanted, obviously, but there was no hope for anything else so it would have to be enough. Sighing, Remus closed his eyes for just a second, and when he reopened them he found himself staring into Sirius’s grey ones.

“I thought you were asleep,” Remus whispered, blushing a bit.

“Was just relaxing,” Sirius murmured back. “You done with the book?”

Remus shrugged.

“Wanna talk?” Sirius tried again.

“Only if there’s something you want to say,” Remus replied, and Sirius smiled.

“I missed this, you know? I mean, I missed everything about you, about us, but this… laying on the bed together, talking nonsense, knowing you’d listen if I needed you too. Moony, I missed you so much and I’m.. I’m sorry…” Sirius startled at his own apology, and Remus rolled his eyes.

“You’re not going to start feeling guilty about feeling guilty now, are you? Because that’d be too much even for you,” Remus joked, making Sirius laugh softly.

“I resent that implication,” Sirius joked back. “Honestly though, I just wanted to say how glad I am that we’re here now. You’re my best friend, and I don’t like being without you. You, and James, you’re all that I have in this world… Peter too but, you know, ‘s not the same. I can’t lose you, Moony, because I love…” 

Sirius comically covered his mouth with a hand, stopping himself, and Remus felt his own eyes widen.

“You… uhm… you mean… Of course I know what you mean. As a friend, right? Just like James, is that it? It is, right?” Remus babbled.

“Not… uh… not exactly like James,” Sirius said, carefully. “He’s my brother, James is.”

Remus felt those words like a stab to his chest – of course Sirius didn’t love Remus as much as he did James, how stupid of Remus to compare the two of them.  


His pain must have showed on his face, Remus realized, when Sirius hastily continued. “No, I… that’s not… I mean, you’re not like a brother to me but you’re not a friend, either. You… Moony… I…”

Remus needed for Sirius to finish his sentence, he didn’t know how long he could take this for. “You what, Sirius, please will you just say it?”

“I’m in love with you,” Sirius said, voice trembling, and his words lit up Remus’s body like fire. “I really… I think I’m… I mean I knew already that I was bisexual but… It’s you, it’s just you, Remus. I love you. And I know you don’t feel the same, I shouldn’t even be telling you all this now when you finally started letting me earn my forgiveness. I didn’t plan to, please believe me, it just… I…” Sirius closed his eyes, and Remus needed to have them back so he spoke up.

“But I do,” he said, and Sirius stared at him in shock. “I do feel the same, Pads. I think that’s also what… Why I was so hesitant to trust you again. If you could be so careless with my secret, what would you do with my heart?” Remus asked, pained.

A single tear made its way down Sirius’s cheek, and Remus couldn’t resist brushing it away with his fingers. 

“Of course I didn’t know you would give me your own heart in return, I thought… I believed you to be straight, to only want my friendship,” Remus continued. “But if you… you said you love me, too, and…”

“You can have my heart, Moony. You already do,” Sirius pledged. “You can have it and do with it as you please, and not give your own back immediately. You can wait and, when you think you’re ready… If you ever are… you can let me have your heart and I will never, ever, disappoint you again. I swear!”

Remus realized his hand was still on Sirius’s face, had been there throughout Sirius’s speech, and he started caressing him, his thumb brushing against Sirius’s lips making them part. His eyes fixed on Sirius’s mouth, Remus didn’t even try to restrain himself anymore: he leaned in and kissed Sirius.

They traded sweet, loving little kisses for a long time, lying on their sides, Sirius’s arm around Remus’s waist, Remus’s hand on Sirius’s face. Then suddenly their mouths opened, their tongues met, and they were sharing their first, heated kiss. Remus ended up on top of Sirius, one leg between Sirius’s own, drinking in his moans and grinding his hips against Sirius’s. He could feel Sirius’s hands clutching at his jumper, fingers finding their way inside and on Remus’s heated skin, and Remus groaned.

Neither of them heard the door of the dorm opening, and it was James’s voice that startled them out of their own little world.

“I honestly thought Slughorn would come up with another ten thousands cauldrons for me to scrub clean, and that I’d die in the blasted dungeon!” James lamented. “And then…”

Remus looked at James from his position on top of Sirius, and could pinpoint the second James took notice of the situation.

“You… Well, it looks like… No, I… Here, I’ll just go down to the common room and… Yeah, that,” James stuttered, hastily making his way back out of the room.

Remus lay back down next to Sirius, and the two boys laughed. “I’d say that went well, wouldn’t you?” Sirius said, and Remus was about to answer when the door opened again and James poked his head in.

“Just wanted to say, good on you mates! But if you snog on my bed you’re both dead. Cheers!” 

Both Remus and Sirius collapsed into giggles. 

“So, continue this on James’s bed, then?” Remus asked.


	8. Epilogue - Sirius: The Full Moon

Sirius almost couldn’t believe how far he’d come. Only a few months ago he’d been at his lowest, convinced he’d lost one of the most important people in his life, burdened by his own failures, suffering the consequences of his own carelessness, and almost completely devoid of hope. But now… Now he had his life back, and his friends. Now he had Remus.

Being Remus Lupin’s boyfriend was better than anything Sirius could have imagined. Despite still believing himself undeserving, Sirius clung to Remus as hard as he could, and often marvelled at his own luck. Remus was caring, sweet, generous, and at the same time he was demanding, possessive, and dominant. 

Remus’s dual nature had never been a secret to Sirius, wolf and human creating a being that Sirius had always admired and cared for, but it showed perfectly now that the two of them were in a relationship. 

Remus could spend hours petting Sirius’s hair while he lay on the bed alongside Remus, or sat between his legs in the common room; he could be content holding Sirius’s hand or whispering in his ear, or simply sharing a smile with him over their friends’ heads. But Remus also knew what he wanted, how to get it, and how to make sure Sirius would never even think of denying him (not that Sirius ever wanted to, of course.) It was always a thrill for Sirius to catch the dark, possessive look in his boyfriend’s eyes whenever he caught Sirius talking with a girl for too long, or when he spotted a group of girls looking over at Sirius and giggling. When that happened, Sirius knew he would be in for a very interesting time as soon as they would retire for the night.

Their relationship remained a secret, despite the fact that Sirius wouldn’t have minded shouting about it from the top of Gryffindor Tower, because that’s how Remus wanted it. Remus wasn’t ready to share what they had with the world, and open it up to people’s scrutiny or gossip, and Sirius agreed. James and Peter knew, of course, and Sirius had his suspicions about Evans also knowing but he wasn’t sure whether Remus himself had told her, or if she’d just realized it for herself. Or maybe she’d read it in the tea leaves, she was after all the best at Divination.

James had found out in a very amusing way, and Sirius still chuckled remembering how pissed off his friend had been to find his own bed messed up by Remus and himself after explicitly requesting they stay off it. James’s retaliation had been to jinx Sirius’s bed curtains to form an impenetrable barrier that wouldn’t let light filter inside, let alone Sirius. Joke had been on him, though, since Sirius had happily gone to sleep in Remus’s bed, and moaned loudly all night until James had been forced to mutter the counter-jinx, and Peter had threatened to murder everyone if they didn’t let him sleep. Good times.

Peter had been a bit trickier. He never outright said he didn’t like the new course of his friends’ lives, but at first Sirius could see him uncomfortably look away whenever Remus kissed him. Luckily his unease hadn’t lasted long – Sirius also suspected James to have given Peter a talking to – and nowadays Peter didn’t seem to have any problems with Sirius and Remus being in a relationship.

Secure in this new phase of their lives, Remus had finally consented to let Sirius and the others join him during the full moon. Of course, Remus being Remus, there had been a long string of very strict rules that Remus had insisted they followed, and he’d made them all swear up and down that they would immediately run away should the wolf react badly to their presence. Sirius could barely wait for the Full but at the same time he was scared out of his own mind. Not for himself, however; Sirius was terrified to bear witness to the pain Remus suffered during the transformation. There was nothing he could do to prepare for that, and the mere thought that Remus had been going through all that every single month for most of his life, without any hope of release, was enough to make Sirius even clingier than he usually was.

“You do know I need to breathe right, Padfoot?” Remus asked, interrupting Sirius’s train of thought.

“Mfffghs,” Sirius muttered from his place on the bed, his face pressed into Remus’s shirt and his arms like a vice around him.

“Glad to hear I’m not the only one suffocating,” Remus deadpanned, and Sirius laughed.

“Git,” he said, looking up at his boyfriend. 

“Not that I’m complaining, but is there a particular reason why you decided to act like a human Full Body Bind curse today?” Remus asked him, and Sirius sighed.

“Your lack of appreciation for my affections wounds me, Moony,” Sirius said, and enjoyed Remus’s laugh.

Unfortunately, his attempt to distract Remus with jokes fell flat and his boyfriend asked again. “Padfoot, really, is there something wrong?” 

Sirius sighed, “No, I… it’s nothing. I’m just… the Full is close and…”

“If you’re having second thoughts, Sirius, and would rather not…” Remus started, but Sirius couldn’t have him think that and interrupted him.

“No! No second thoughts, I swear! I _want_ to be there for you. I do, Moony, believe me! But I…” Sirius found it hard to go on, and so he squashed his face in Remus’s chest again.

“You what?” Remus nudged. “Come on, Pads, out with it.”

“Don’t wanna see you in pain,” Sirius whispered, talking to Remus’s middle because he couldn’t bring himself to look up again.

Remus pulled him up, and Sirius found himself completely on top of his boyfriend. “I know,” Remus said. “And I… thank you for that. It’s always painful, I won’t lie to you, but having you there… If the wolf accepts you, Pads, if it accepts you all… then you’d have helped minimize the pain as much as possible. That would be a huge help.”

Sirius accepted Remus’s reassurance and decided to try and be as brave as Remus, and stop worrying about things he couldn’t change. The full moon would rise at the end of the week, Remus would have to go through the change, but then Sirius would be there to make sure nothing else could hurt him again.

*

In the Shack, Padfoot exchanged a look with the stag and they both let out a snort-like sound catching the rat hiding himself halfway into a hole in the wall, his way out immediately secured should he need it. Padfoot then looked back at the boy kneeling on the torn mattress placed at one side of the room, and cocked his head at him, assessing the situation.

“I’m fi…ah…fine, Padfoot, don’t…” Remus croaked, the transformation upon him and the pain obviously already unbearable. “You just… make sure you can… ah… run if needed, okay?”

Padfoot nodded and then he couldn’t help but lie down, head low, and let out a whine when the wolf started to take over. It took all of Sirius’s concentration to keep his form and not turn back into a human so he could run to Remus, but he managed. If Remus could bear having his body torn apart, the least Sirius could do was to keep his animal form and wait for the worst to pass.

The screams soon turned into a low pitched howl, and suddenly a wolf was looking into Padfoot’s eyes. A movement coming from the dog’s left distracted the wolf and Padfoot knew it had caught sight of Prongs. Unwilling to let the wolf reject and attack his friend, and unable to imagine the damage the stag’s antlers could do if he had to defend himself, Padfoot stood up and placed himself between the wolf and the stag.

The wolf’s gaze immediately returned to him, and the dog tried to appear as submissive as possible without giving quarter for the wolf to take over. The stag moved back a bit and Padfoot was grateful to him for understanding, their animal counterparts obviously as attuned as their human sides were.

The wolf moved forward slowly and growled to Padfoot a bit. The dog kept as still as he could, and lowered his eyes, posing himself as unthreatening as possible and waiting for the wolf to make the first move. When the wolf started scenting the air, Padfoot was immediately grateful to Remus for insisting he caress his fur, the stag’s mantle, and the rat’s hair, so that their scent would hopefully result familiar to the wolf too.

A bit fearfully, but resolutely, Padfoot stood his ground while the wolf approached him and started circling and sniffing him. The dog suffered through a few little nips while the wolf exerted his dominance before deciding if it wanted to accept the dog as pack. Finally it seemed to have come to a decision and Padfoot found himself nudged in his side by the wolf’s muzzle. The dog turned and attempted a lick to the wolf’s nose and the latter snorted, playfully nudging him again.

It took a while before the wolf accepted the stag too, but Padfoot’s presence and calm reassurance finally convinced the wolf that it could relax and include Prongs in his newly formed little pack. The wolf seemed to completely ignore the rat which, Padfoot thought, suited the small animal perfectly. Afterwards they spent the whole night trying to get to know one another, the wolf staying as close to Padfoot as it could, the others making sure the wolf established himself as alpha and saw them as allies, not foe. 

Sooner than Padfoot had expected it to, the sun was rising and the ordeal begun all over again. The wolf’s body started convulsing and his tormented howls were torture to Padfoot’s ears. The dog tried to curl up against the wolf, to comfort it and help as much as he could, and it was with great relief that Padfoot finally could feel a human hand clutching at his fur.

James and Peter turned back as soon as the wolf was gone, but Padfoot waited and offered the boy the warmth of his fur on his naked skin as much as he could. Remus held the dog close, and cried a bit in his fur, and Padfoot stayed perfectly still so that Remus could take all the comfort he needed from his presence.

“You okay, Moony?” Padfoot heard James ask, and he felt Remus nod.

“I…” Remus cleared his abused throat trying to answer, “I’m fine… doesn’t… feel as bad. ‘S just… ehm… bones aching and… throat… fire…” 

“Stop trying to talk, Remus,” Peter interjected.

“Yeah, what Wormy said. But, uh, d’you think you could let Padfoot go now? Only we… uh… We wouldn’t want Madam Pomfrey to catch us here, would we?” James gently asked.

Sirius changed back at that, and turned around to look at Remus. “I can stay if you…” he started, but Remus shook his head.

“Go…” he whispered. “I’ll see… uhm... See you later.”

Sirius nodded and kissed Remus gently. The he got up and covered Remus with a sheet before joining James and Peter at the door. Remus’s soft murmur made him halt, and he turned once more.

“Thank you,” Remus said, fresh tears in his eyes.

*

Sneaking in the infirmary was easy, especially since James had relinquished his Cloak and Sirius could walk the corridors unseen. _“We definitely need to start working on the Map,” Sirius thought. “We need a different way to move around the castle now that we don’t all fit beneath this Cloak anymore.”_ The Map could wait, though, now Sirius had more pressing matters to attend to.

Luckily, Remus was the only one in the infirmary that morning, but Madam Pomfrey was there too so Sirius had to kneel behind one of the beds keeping on the Cloak, and wait for her to leave.

“I’m glad to see you as well as you are this morning, Mr. Lupin,” Madam Pomfrey said. “This has to have been one of the easiest times you ever had during a Full Moon. I don’t know what you did but I truly hope you’d consider doing it again in the future. It’s a relief to be able to treat you with just a few potions and a couple of spells.”

“Thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus replied, and Sirius was glad to hear that his voice, despite still weak, was not as painful sounding as it had been in the Shack. “I truly share your relief, believe me.”

Madam Pomfrey chuckled. “All right, now. Try and get some rest before those troublemakers of your friends find a way to poke their heads around here and disturb you.”

Sirius saw Remus nod, a smile on his face and his eyes already closing, and then he looked as Madam Pomfrey left the room. As soon as she was out, Sirius shed the Cloak, folded it, and ran towards Remus’s bed.

“Moony! Psst, Moony…” Sirius whispered, and Remus’s eyes shot open again.

“Sirius? What?”

“I couldn’t wait to see you. I needed to… Are you okay? I didn’t want to leave you alone this morning, and I didn’t know…” Sirius stuttered.

“I’m okay, Pads. Even Madam Pomfrey said so. It worked. You guys really helped… You kept the wolf busy and prevented it from going into a rage at being shut inside, and taking it out on me. But… are _you_ okay? All of you? Did I… Did the wolf…”

“We’re all fine, Moony, I promise. ‘Twas a bit of a struggle at first because the wolf wasn’t sure it could trust us, but you were right and having our scents on you before transformation helped. The wolf accepted us, and it was fun actually! Padfoot really seemed to enjoy himself,” Sirius finished with a smile.

“Glad someone had fun,” Remus replied, darkly, but there was a gentle smile on his face too. “You should go get some rest, now. ‘S lucky it’s the weekend but breakfast will be soon anyway.”

“Like we don’t know the way to the kitchen when we need it, Moony, honestly. Are we new?” Sirius joked, and Remus laughed softly before yawning. “But I should let you rest, of course. So I’ll… go?” Sirius really didn’t want to leave Remus’s side but he would if that was what Remus needed.

“Stay,” Remus said. “Jus… Just for a while, mmmkay?”

Sirius sat down beside Remus’s bed, his head close to the pillow, and shut his eyes for a second. Madam Pomfrey caught him asleep in that position not half an hour later but she didn’t have the heart to wake him up, and the two boys slept away, close like that, the morning after their first Full together.

*

Two days later, Sunday evening, Sirius sat cross legged on the bed with James trying to decide if turning their hair purple or enchanting their robes to tighten up every time they sat down was the best prank to play on the Slytherins. Sirius kept throwing nervous glances back at Remus, who was lying on his bed still recuperating from his ordeal, trying to assess if his planning a revenge against Snape and the others could be like reopening a wound for him. 

“Listen, Pads, I’m telling you,” James said. “The purple hair would be like a beacon for everyone to see! Wherever those arseholes go, they’ll be pointed and laughed at! The clothes… Yeah, it’s funny but you need to be there to witness it.”

“I agree with James,” was Peter’s, unhelpful and unsurprising, statement.

“Me too,” Remus said, startling Sirius who immediately turned around to look at his boyfriend and found Remus looking back at him with kind eyes, “But why purple, Prongs? Why not rainbow coloured hair? Trickier to manage but so much better, wouldn’t you say?”

“Moony, you’re a genius!” James shouted, “That’s it! We’re doing it. Right, Pads?”

Sirius nodded, drinking in Remus’s loving expression, and too distracted to notice the pillow James threw at his face. 

“Oi! What was that for?” Sirius yelled.

“You were ignoring me,” James lamented. “I know Moony’s pretty but what about me? I thought you loved me, too!”

“I’m not sure I can condone being called ‘pretty’, Prongs,” Remus said sarcastically. “Nor your obvious attempt at stealing my boyfriend.”

Sirius settled back to enjoy their banter. It wasn’t new, Remus and James had started joking about whom Sirius belonged to and which of them he loved the most since Sirius and Remus started dating. At first, Sirius had worried that there could be a truth behind James’s complaint, and that his best friend could feel left out now that Sirius had a boyfriend. Soon though, after a long conversation with James, Sirius had relaxed and started enjoying the attention.

“Settle down, boys,” Sirius dawdled. “Plenty of me to go around.”

Remus rolled his eyes at that and James threw another pillow, but Sirius was ready for it this time and blocked it easily. 

“You just love Moony more, admit it, Padfoot!” James said, a hand held theatrically against his heart. “Look at all the kisses he gets. Where’s my kiss, Sirius? Where?”

Sirius looked at Remus who nodded back at him, and then darted forward and placed a loud smack right on James’s lips. The groan coming from Peter’s bed made Sirius look at him for a second, and when he turned back he could see James’s wide eyes fixed on his face.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow at James and watched as he looked towards Remus, seeking and finding reassurance on the serene expression of his face. James turned back to Sirius and the latter clearly saw the second James caught up with the joke.

Never one to back away, James touched his lips with a finger and sighed, “So if I say I liked it, would we be in trouble? ‘Cause Moony here strikes me as quite the possessive kind…” James grinned, and Sirius laughed.

“Oh, you have no idea,” Remus said, his voice low and heavy, and then beckoned Sirius close. Sirius answered his call like a sailor would a Siren’s, and his mind only half registered Peter and James scrambling to get out of the door and leave them alone, both accustomed by now to that particular tone in Remus’s voice.

Sirius lay down on Remus’s bed and let his boyfriend arrange his limbs as he pleased. “Hello…” Sirius said, smiling.

“Hello, Padfoot,” Remus answered. “Have we been naughty?”

“Are we ever not?” Was Sirius’s cheeky reply, and Remus chuckled.

“Want to keep being naughty, then?”

“Yes, please,” Sirius said, and Remus kissed him hard. 

There would be time later to discuss the prank further and put it in motion on the unsuspecting Slytherins; there would be time to talk about the Full and arrange for the wolf and its pack to slip free of the Shack and find some mischief in the Forbidden Forest; there would be time to work on the Map and thus become masters of the castle. Also, Christmas holidays were fast approaching, and they would all be spending them together at the Potters’, so there would also be time to plan for that.

For the moment, though, Sirius lost himself in Remus’s arms and shut everything else out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done. I hope you enjoyed and I want to thank everyone who stopped by to leave kudos, to comment, or simply just to read.
> 
> I'm not saying goodbye though... something tells me you'll see me around again soon ;)


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